Autumn
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: It was just a week, in autumn. When the leaves were dancing in the air and melancholy was wrapping up her heart quietly. WK fic
1. Prologue

**It seems to me, swaying to these shocks, that someone**

**Is nailing down a coffin in a hurry somewhere.**

**For whom? - It was summer yesterday; now it's autumn.**

**Echoes of departure keep resounding in the air.**

**Autumn - Charles Baudelaire**

**Chapter one – Prologue**

It was a mistake. Ever since she had told him about her doubts concerning her marriage, something had changed into their relation. Some sort of friendship, a very timid one. They had grown closer in a complete anonymity and the truth was that she didn't know what to think about it. It was troubling her more than what she would have admitted because it was all new and she lacked references. It was the first time that someone seemed to be able to understand her and it left her perplexed. Confused.

Accepting that Will moved to the Madison Avenue penthouse for a week, her very own place, wouldn't make things easier. On the contrary. That was why it happened to be a mistake. She knew it. Yet in all honesty, Karen had rarely been that thrilled by such a perspective.

She hadn't been able to refuse. As soon as Will had announced that his building would be evacuated for a week due to chemical works and the others had suggested that she could welcome him, Karen hadn't known what to say. In a mumble of incomplete sentences, she had finally nodded. Disarmed.

She didn't like the idea that a third person would witness the failure of her marriage to Stanley and the awkward relation she had with his children. Nothing really worked out. Everyone knew about it. Yet it seemed to be right to not say a single thing about it. It was all about pretending, about defending some precarious appearances.

Thankfully enough, Grace had decided to spend the week at her current boyfriend's in Chelsea. After a disastrous and aborted wedding to Danny, she was holding dead-end hopes over a relationship that did not make the slightest sense but since it seemed to be her own way to go back on tracks, nobody really insisted and there she was.

"The guestroom is ready, Mrs. Walker. I added the books about The Upper West Side on the nightstand as you asked me."

A bird had landed on the balcony, only a few feet away from her. Under the rain. Blankly absorbed by such a scene, Karen nodded at the maid but remained focused on the pigeon.

"Good... Will loves reading..."

Lately they had talked about the history of New York, the evolution of the different districts through the centuries. Just like that, around a coffee while waiting for Grace and Jack to arrive. Then as usual their conversation had ceased but the words had kept on dancing in her head bewitchingly.

It wasn't a crime to get along with someone, to realize one day that you might not be the lonely person you had thought to be once. Yet it intimidated her terribly. She had barely been working for Grace for a year but what was supposed to be a mere change in her agenda had turned into a cataclysm in her dull existence and there she was now, a bit taken aback by the way events were turning out.

The maid disappeared in silence through the corridors of the penthouse, leaving Karen alone in the old library. It was a small room compared to most of the other ones but she felt fine among the books and the crackling of the flames in the fireplace. Even in the summer she insisted for it to be on. Stanley did not understand but had ceased to wonder about her odd habits for a long time now. After all, he had his. Starting with his cigars and his mistresses.

She hadn't gone out of the day. The heavy clouds over Manhattan and the latent sensation that it would be a long and boring Sunday had kept her inside. Trapped in the nets of a novel she had been reading, Karen hadn't really seen the hours pass by until Olivia and Mason had come back from a weekend out of the city with their mother. They had stopped by the library to say hello. Politely enough but lacking enthusiasm. Everything was forced with them and it hurt somehow.

Glass of Brandy in hand, a cigarette in the other, she kept on observing Central Park through the large window. The trees were folding under the wind as the brownish leaves were twirling around some sort of autumnal waltz in the air before disappearing from sight.

"I was told that I would find you here."

She hadn't heard him arrive. His steps had been stifled by the expensive carpets in the corridors while a maid had probably taken him in charge as soon as he had passed the door. But there he was now, only a few feet from her. Standing still, smiling. A bit uncomfortable.

The Brandy burnt her throat as she took a sip but the sensation got drowned by nicotine. Crossing her legs, Karen nodded at her friend.

"Welcome here, Wilma. Your room is on the second floor with a view over Central Park. At this time of the year, it is probably the best one."

Her laconic voice seemed to float over the library for a long time and if it hadn't been for the cruel lack of daylight, Will would have noticed that she was now slightly blushing. Instinctively, Karen turned her face around and avoided the direct shades of the flames on her to plunge instead in a semi-obscurity.

"Dinner will be served at eight."

Standing up to show him his room and briefly giving him a tour of the mansion, Karen swallowed back any effusion of bright sentiments. She had always had a paradoxical temper with a strong incapacity to show the slightest ounce of exhilaration. Only a few people had managed to read through this. She did not do this on purpose. It just came along, naturally.

Just like Autumn bringing along its deep, bittersweet melancholy.


	2. Don't Know Why

**Chapter two – Don't Know Why**

**When I saw the break of the day**

**I wished that I could fly away**

**Instead of kneeling in the sand**

**Catching teardrops in my hand**

**Don't Know Why – Norah Jones**

The cars on the avenue below looked like ants that would have been carrying on their backs a hundred small lights and they were perpetually moving around in the night. She had been observing them for so many years now and yet they still fascinated her, strangely enough. They looked lost in the distance and too quiet like her own life. Restraining a sigh, Karen plunged her lips in a glass of red wine and closed her eyes for a few seconds. She was tired. Of everything.

"This is such a quiet place."

A disillusioned smile lit up her lips as Will's words suddenly filled the room. Looking up at him, Karen came to face an odd vulnerability that left her confused. She hadn't seen him in the morning. He hadn't stopped by the office to have lunch with Grace and now that the night had fallen over Manhattan, they seemed to be starting this strange week of cohabitation again.

"Too much at times."

She hadn't meant to sound immensely melancholic and regretful but it was nonetheless what happened to weigh in the end. Planting her fork in some cheese, Karen tried to bring lightness to the whole scene but didn't find the right words to do so. Thus she remained quiet, hoping that her guest would overcome their strange face-to-face in the kitchen of the mansion.

"Why are you having dinner alone?"

She hadn't thought about that in the first place probably because it belonged to a mere logic in her daily existence but now that Will's question had made it to the air, she felt uncomfortable.

"It is Monday. Stanley is at his club and the children have already had dinner... They are supposed to be in bed by nine so they usually eat early."

A bit surprised, she observed him grab a plate and sit in front of her at the small table. She had assumed that he would have dinner outside, probably with Grace. After all if there was something that Karen had learned through the past year it was that Will and Grace were inseparable. They could barely spend a day without each other. It was an odd scene to witness but with time it only turned into a quiet jealousy. She had never had a soul mate like that, never had the slightest person by her side understanding her silence almost defiantly.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

They argued and teased constantly. It had come up naturally, one day, as Will had showed up at a coffee store and from then on they hadn't stopped. If she had had to be honest, Karen would have said that this was actually their very own routine now. Strange and unusual. Yet attaching.

"I didn't know that you wore glasses."

The comment made her blush. Instinctively, Karen readjusted her glasses and looked by the window at the cars. The traffic was dense at this hour of the night. For some reason, she found this boiling activity almost reassuring somehow. She had learned to hate silence through the years. It made her feel anxious like the quietness before a storm.

"I am shortsighted but usually wear contact lenses. Except today... I don't know. They gave me a rather bad headache so I took them off."

Even Stanley had never asked about such a thing. It was strange to suddenly talk about it to someone she didn't know that well.

Will Truman. She knew his birth date, his job and sexual orientation. She had gone to his parents' once and vaguely heard about his past life. With Grace, with Michael. The rest was deduction and wonders, a semblance of logic from the observation of his day-to-day behavior. Yet she had gone to him when she had had doubts about her marriage to Stanley. Yet she trusted him. Oddly enough.

"What kind of club is Stanley a member of exactly?"

Will was full of life. He didn't look innocent but eager to go on in spite of an upside down past. It was a strange thing than the one to study him because she rarely came across such people in New York hype, socialite parties. Her entourage was disillusioned and tended to plunge into alcohol to forget some sort of a dull existence. Money was one thing but it didn't bring along any kind of balance at all.

"One of those private clubs coming from England where women aren't accepted... I am not allowed to know about the name and even less what they do there though I assume that they keep on smoking their cigars while talking about the stock exchange. You have never been invited to one of them by some of your clients?"

Getting married to Stanley had meant accepting his agenda and the idea that she would only be a sort of element in it. Nothing else. But it had been the same with her two previous marriages. She had had time to learn how to live with, how to compose with what some people would see as a degrading status. She was a trophy, like all the other wives. Just a mere trophy. Some sort of good-looking doll that we took out from time to time. She had got used to it, like all the rest.

Or so. Because as soon as she retreated to her bedroom and found herself alone, Karen succumbed one more time to the silent pain on her chest. The one that didn't leave her alone, that alcohol managed to bury for a while but that never really made disappear. It was about loneliness and the singular wonder why she was still there. Breathing. Because as much as she looked for a reason, it didn't really make sense.


	3. Cold Cold Heart

**Chapter three – Cold, Cold Heart**

**The more I learn to care for you**

**The more we drift apart**

**Why can't I free your doubtful mind**

**And melt your cold cold heart**

**Cold, Cold Heart – Norah Jones**

The fog was embracing her ankles of a humid kiss that seemed to slide along her skin under every step she made. Her stilettos resounded loud in the night, against the asphalt now abandoned by most of the passers-by. Turning at the corner of a small street, she stopped and looked around. People were already there, waiting patiently and sat on the steps of brown houses. The air was chilling but they didn't seem to mind that much. As a matter of fact, they looked happy. And relaxed.

"Karen!"

At the sound of her name, she quickly turned around and smiled as she finally saw him sat up on some sort of a low wall. He hadn't come back to the mansion but headed there straight after work, like a lot of other people if one considered the number of briefcases put down on the sidewalks.

"They don't serve Martinis here but only beers..."

She accepted the bottle that Will tended her and sat by his side a bit awkwardly. They were only a few blocks away from her penthouse and yet Manhattan revealed there another face, a lot more popular one that contrasted sharply with the rest of The Upper East Side.

Children passed in the street, running after a dog. Laughing out loud. It was late and they should have been in bed for quite a while now but the adults who accompanied them didn't seem to care. It almost seemed normal.

"What did Stanley say about you coming here?"

Lighting a cigarette, Karen barely restrained a bittersweet laugh and shook her head at Will almost in a complete disbelief. Was he being naïve or just politically correct because he stayed at her place for the rest of the week? She took a sip of her cheap beer and looked down at the ground. Her Italian stilettos looked scandalously expensive suddenly.

"I am allowed my free time."

As a matter of fact, she hadn't told Stanley that she would go out that evening. They had crossed in the hallway and that was it. As usual, he had gone straight to his office in a complete silence. At times she wondered if he actually realized anything, if he could notice how the gap between them both didn't stop increasing. They didn't hate each other but had plunged into a mute indifference and it was worse.

But suddenly the first notes of a saxophone resounded loud in the street and as a spotlight came to stop on the musician, the conversations ceased. Open air jazz in Harlem. She had been living in New York for more time she could remember and yet she had never made it to one of these sessions. Because she didn't belong to the crowd and it was all about castes anyway. There were spheres and socialites didn't have access to this kind of events.

And Will had come up with the invitation while stopping by the office for lunch. Sat at her desk, Karen hadn't missed Grace's restrained smile but if the idea both her friends had talked about it before made it to her head, she didn't pay attention to it that much and accepted. She liked jazz and the truth was that she would have given anything to spend an evening out.

Jack called her from time to time and they both headed to some bar in The Village but after a while he just forgot about her. Once he had met some guy. Grace hadn't taken her distance but simply decided to focus on her brand new relationship. And there she was, left with Will, among their very own loneliness.

She had spent the rest of the day thinking about the evening. It must have sounded extremely stupid but it was all she had at the end. A couple of daydreams about a mere hours in a street listening to jazz with a friend. Or someone who might become one soon.

Will wasn't an acquaintance but somewhere in between. And everything was so odd whenever she had to think about it, about them and their relation. So odd yet comforting.

"Do you want another one?"

The clicking of his bottle against hers took her out of the daydreams she had got lost in while listening to the music. A break. The musicians had taken a break. Lightly enough, Karen jumped off the low wall and grabbed Will's bottle then winced.

"I am going to get us some more."

The bar was crowded and as she made her way to the counter, Karen tried to ignore people's gazes on her. She hadn't chosen the right outfit. She looked like someone coming straight from Barney's, who she happened to be, but at times she wouldn't have minded changing appearances.

Live music in the street turned out to be mesmerizing as ridiculous as it might have sounded. As they walked down Madison Avenue an hour later, the sudden quietness only led by the murmurs of the cars weighed on Karen. It meant that they were just coming back to the mansion. The cold, silent mansion.

"Have you ever had the feeling that you had made the wrong choices all along? That if you could do it all over again, you would go for a different path..."

She was being serious. Too serious, perhaps, because Will stopped walking and frowned at her with an obvious confusion embracing his gaze.

"Is everything alright? With Stan..."

Will was the only one whom she had confessed her doubts about her marriage once. He was almost a stranger but maybe that was the reason why she had gone to him in the first place. It might have been easier to rely on someone you didn't know that much. Oddly enough.

Crossing her arms tighter against her, Karen swallowed hard and took a deep breath before smiling a bit too brightly.

"Yes, it is perfect. We are doing fine."


	4. Shoot The Moon

**Chapter four – Shoot The Moon**

**Now the fall is here again**

**You can't begin to give in**

**It's all over**

**Shoot The Moon – Norah Jones**

"Why, you had better things to do perhaps?"

Stanley could be cold at times, extremely sharp if not just intimidating. Except she had learned how to deal with it through the years. Quietly. Her hazel eyes went from her husband to the bellhop in charge of the elevator and swept away any reply passing her tongue over her lips. She wouldn't throw a fit in public, not while going to some charity event held by a friend of Stanley. It wasn't the right time.

The doors of the elevator finally opened and they stepped directly into a large lobby, Karen's stilettos resounding on the marble floor. Stanley had forgotten to tell her about it. As a matter of fact, there hadn't even been the slightest invitation sent and within an hour before leaving their penthouse, she had finally got to know about it.

She wasn't in the mood to go out. The previous evening in Harlem had cruelly faded away as the sun had pierced through the large windows of her bedroom and she had hated every single second of the day. There wouldn't be any live music sat on the low wall of a brown house anymore. No cheap beer. Besides, Will was going on a date tonight and it sounded strange. Not that she would have wanted to replace the man Will was going out with but something nonetheless weighed on her chest.

A hint of jealousy, perhaps. Karen envied her friend's life.

"Crack at least a smile... Please, you are beautiful when you smile. I apologize, one more time. I know I should have told you about it earlier but I forgot. I have a stressful, busy life, at the same time, Karen."

She didn't insist because he was right. After all, it could happen and coming from Stanley, it was very rare. He was a nice man. Simply lost in his world and tended to forget to her presence by his side most of the time. He was just another businessman.

"Shall you dance with me?"

The Lieberman's had seen big for the evening and had actually opened the ballroom of their Fifth Avenue penthouse, only a few feet away from Washington Square Park. One Fifth was one of the best known addresses among socialites, for the beauty of the building and its historical past. Everyone wanted to be there if only for an evening. Everyone wanted to buy an apartment on its upper floors.

Stanley loved dancing, just like her. It was probably one of the reasons why she had landed her eyes on him in the first place if she had to be honest. Her invitation made him smile and soon enough Karen knew that their light altercation in the elevator was over.

"Of course..."

She barely felt his hand brush her fingers and it would be the last time they would make contact. Henry Lieberman called Stanley's name and left behind, Karen looked at her husband go away towards his old friend from university. She couldn't blame Stanley. After all, Henry was the host and nobody could just ignore him. Nonetheless a tad disappointed, Karen made it to the bar and ordered a Martini.

She knew everyone in the different rooms, from their addictions to the affairs and money issues. It was a small community yet a dreadful one. You couldn't let your guard down. At any time. It might be why she didn't feel like talking to anyone that evening. She didn't want to give in that.

She had just made it to a small lounge after evasively talking to a few acquaintances when her phone vibrated in her small bag. Sitting down on a couch, Karen crossed her legs and grabbed her cell to read the message.

_I am bored like Hell..._

_How is it going for you? Where are you?_

_W._

Will's message surprised her and for long seconds she observed it in silence, wondering why he hadn't tried to reach Grace instead. Though she was probably out and busy with her boyfriend. Looking up at nothing in particular, Karen found herself facing a Rothko. Stanley had never wanted to buy art. He did not see the point when she was dying for a painting. Just like this one.

_Lost in the limbos of Vodka..._

_K._

She waited for long minutes but he didn't reply. Empty glass in hand, Karen headed back to the bar and ordered another drink. She was now thinking about Will. And what he could have been doing, with whom. It was an odd relation that he was having with Grace if they actually behaved the way he had gone with her that time around. Unless it was just how friendship worked. What did she know about it, anyway?

They came back to the mansion late in the night. Stanley would be exhausted when he had to get up the next morning but at least the immensity of their house prevented her from running into him too many times. It was even easy to simply ignore his presence for a long while.

On her tiptoes, she lightly made it to her bedroom but stopped to turn around. Will was staying behind the door opposite hers. At the end of the corridor. Her smile faded as she didn't see any light. Perhaps they could have talked for a while about their respective evenings. She would have joked around about One Fifth and he would have made fun of his awful date. But he seemed to already be in bed, unless he hadn't come back yet.

She went to bed, disillusioned.


	5. Seven Years

**Chapter five – Seven Years**

**Fragile as a leaf in Autumn**

**Just fallin' to the ground**

**Without a sound**

**Seven Years – Norah Jones**

She envied Grace. Sat on the couch by Will's side and filling some shallow quiz coming straight from one of her magazines, Karen envied Grace deeply. For the life she was leading with Will when nobody else was around, when they were both alone at their Riverside Drive apartment.

He was just different from all the other men. Of course at times his arrogance played on her nerves just like his perfectionism but he was still nice to be around. A lovely companion in a lonely life which may explain why Grace desperately tried to keep her distance with him. If one wanted to have a chance and build a real relationship, Will couldn't remain too close. Because he was dangerous in the sweetest way ever. Once you spent time with Will, you didn't need anyone else.

"Good evening."

Barely moving to Stanley's voice, she nonetheless looked up from her magazine and peacefully gave a smile at her husband. He was standing on the door frame, briefcase in hand. He seemed happy as if the perspective of Karen being in full conversation with another man reassured him. Not that he had any reason to actually feel threatened by Will in this field.

"Dinner at eight? Just the time I go check on the children..."

"Actually I was thinking that maybe I could cook tonight. If you don't mind, of course."

Will's suggestion took Stanley aback. Karen didn't say a word and remained on the couch, a smile on her lips. It was just like on Riverside Drive but at her place this time. A semblance of life, perhaps. A bit shy, she dared a look at her husband and raised her eyebrows questioningly. Of course, Stanley did not cook. As a matter of fact, she now wondered whether she had already seen him in the kitchen.

"Why, sure! Karen often tells me what a good cook you are. I am honored to finally have the occasion to see that by myself."

Instinctively and to avoid Will's gaze on her, Karen jumped off the couch and went straight to the door, cigarette in hand. Not that she had anything to do in another room but her husband's comment had been embarrassing enough. Will didn't have to know that she talked about him when home.

The next thirty minutes she let go by before reaching the kitchen turned out to be the longest ones she had ever lived. If she didn't count her father's funeral. Minutes looked always longer when one wasn't older than seven. Stanley was already there as she went down the few steps, talking to Will who was in full cooking mode. He seemed in his element in a kitchen. In control. Always in control, just like her.

"Karen... I thought that you had disappeared!"

"I was checking Olivia's herbarium for school."

Which was right even though she had used it as an excuse to go away from Will for a while. As Olivia had made it back home, she had kept on insisting about the herbarium. And how she wanted Karen to see it. And how perhaps they could work on it together. As usual, Karen had just evasively nodded. It was not her fault if she didn't feel comfortable with children. It simply didn't work out at all.

Her allusion to Stanley's daughter surprised Will who, a bit taken aback, looked up at her for a second. What could she say? It might not suit her yet she was a step-mother, that she liked it or not. It had come along when she had said yes to Stanley seven years earlier.

"So what is on the menu tonight?"

With such a bare, basic question, she hoped that the awkwardness of her allusion to Olivia would fade away as if nothing had happened. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk about her life at the mansion, her role in this family that wasn't hers, but it made her feel a tad uncomfortable. She wasn't prepared for it.

"A zucchini gratin... And pork tenderloin."

Gladly enough, Karen accepted the glass of red wine that her husband was tending her. She sat at the small table, in front of him. It was a nice evening, a quiet one as she liked them. It was kind of odd to find herself with someone she considered more and more as a friend and her husband, her invisible yet indispensable husband. Stanley was nice. And sweet.

"By the way, Karen... Have you called The Four Seasons for our wedding anniversary? I know that it is four months away from now but still. I don't want to miss the reservation of the room."

She had and was supposed to visit the following week. Except she didn't want to go there. She did not feel like celebrating the slightest thing.

"You got married in December? How romantic... On a snowy day... It is enchanting."

Will's enthusiasm found an echo in Stan's reply.

"We did! Seven years ago already. Can you believe it, Karen? Time flies by."

She hid herself behind her glass of wine. Gesture she made too many times a day, now. Stanley grabbed her hand to hold it tight. She didn't like it, the contact of their respective skin on each other. There was not a single sparkle anymore. If there had ever been one at all.

"And thanks to some miracle I am still as young as I was that day..."

It was a complete lie. She was getting older day after day. She could see it in the mirror every morning. Whatever was inside of her weighed so much that it deepened her features and blew away the flame in her eyes. At times she actually came to think that she was about to die.

"Though I remember that you wanted to get married in the fall. And we would if it hadn't been for administrative reasons. This paper-thing can be a nightmare at times!"

Surprised that Stanley had kept this detail in mind, she nodded then shrugged it away as if it didn't have that much importance at the end. After all it had been such a long time now.

"Really? Then let's raise a glass to... Today, that could have turned into your wedding anniversary!"

To accompany his words, Will approached the table and grabbed his own glass of wine. September, 6th. An evening spent in the kitchen with a very good friend and her husband. A date she would gladly keep in mind over any day of December. Simplicity over whatever she had hoped to live.


	6. One Flight Down

**Chapter six – One Flight Down**

**Now you know you're wrong**

**Because it drifts like smoke**

**And it's been there playing all along**

**Now you know**

**One Flight Down – Norah Jones**

The rain was falling softly in the night, running down the upper balcony before plunging below until it crashed on the empty streets and the abandoned sidewalks. The breeze wasn't too cold though and sat in a deckchair, Karen observed the lights of Manhattan piercing through the dark. Feet up on the balcony, she could feel the rain drops caress her tiptoes. Like a stolen kiss, one of these she saw in movies.

She quietly moved her left leg and her bathrobe slid down slightly revealing her bare, fair shinbone. It had been a nice evening out with Grace, Will and Jack. They had gone to the restaurant before heading to some new club in The Meat Packing District and only come back to their respective places an hour ago. For the very first time, Karen had shared her cab with someone while heading back to the mansion. The situation being unusual, she hadn't known what to say and preferred to remain quiet. Leaving Will to his own wonders on the other end of the backseat.

They had headed to their respective bedrooms in silence but unable to fall asleep after having taken a nice, relaxing shower, Karen had made it up to the greenhouse on the last floor of the mansion. It was a quiet place at night and she liked the shadows of the plants embracing the walls, the floor. It owned an odd, enchanting shade.

Bringing the cigarette to her lips, Karen succumbed to the mix of nicotine and rain scent. Perhaps she should slow down on her smoking. But then, she had to slow down on way too many things if she had had to be honest.

"So it was you..."

Her heart jumped in her chest as Will talked behind her but she managed to hide her surprise and gave him a quiet, controlled smile as he came to sit down by her side in the second deckchair. How had he guessed that she would be there, in the greenhouse? She hadn't even showed him the room in the first place. Had Will ever come to the mansion when she wasn't there? On Stanley's suggestion, perhaps. As if reading her mind, Will explained himself.

"The smell of cigarette. My bedroom happens to be just under this terrace and I could smell it."

Instinctively, her eyes went from his gaze to the cigarette she was holding. She hadn't thought about it, probably because nobody had ever told her such a thing.

"Do you want a beer?"

Her question made him smile and amusingly enough, he shook his head in disbelief. It was almost four in the morning. On the upper floor of a Madison Avenue building, listening to the rain pour over quiet diamonds of light shining through the night.

"You have beers?"

"Why, of course... Who do you think I am?"

And from her right side plunged in the dark, Karen grabbed a can of beer and handed it to Will. She did have a thing for this kind of moments, when she surprised him and seemed to get all his attention. After all, she had never liked fitting in the crowd and if her reactions could be unexpected then even better.

"Can I have a cigarette?"

This time Will took her aback. She had never seen him smoke during the year or so they had know each other. On the contrary, she had assumed for whatever reason that he was the kind of person who always complained about smokers, the smell of cigarette and the danger of nicotine. Trying to hide her surprise she handed him her pack and let him take one.

"Drinking and smoking in the middle of the night... Now, aren't I a bad influence for you, Wilma."

His laugh disappeared in a quiet sigh. Friday night. Only two more days and once again she would face a lonely mansion, a precarious existence. She wished that he had stayed there longer. A week went by too fast. She cruelly had time to get used to his presence by her side only to turn around and realize he had gone away again.

"You have a lovely house."

"But a not so lovely life..."

Perhaps she shouldn't have said that because right away, something began to weigh in the air. She was tired and slightly drunk. The words had just come up by themselves without her paying attention that much. Now she deeply regretted them.

"I guess you are wrong, Karen. I guess..."

Will moved around in his seat, not nervously but suddenly incredibly serious almost as if all the rest would depend on his upcoming words.

"I guess that you don't realize the luck you have. And I am not talking about money here. But... Look at what you have: a nice and attentive husband, great step-children... And friends. Good friends on whom you can rely. You own actually more than a lot of people do in this life."

"So I am not allowed to complain? I am not alone to feel down or sad?"

She was losing control of the conversation obviously. Two seconds earlier she was lightly offering him a beer and all of a sudden she was finding herself telling him about things that not even a diary would have got to know. She had to stop. It had to stop and now.

"Are you... Do you... Maybe it is just a down moment, you know. Every couple goes through that. It is okay, and perfectly normal."

Under Will's words, her reply got drowned into a sip of her beer. Because it was easier like that, obviously. Tears seemed to be burning in her eyes as much as she tried to push them back. She turned her head around to pretend, and focused on an invisible point in the distance while Will kept on talking.

"Look at the bright side, Karen. There is always one."


	7. The Nearness Of You

**Chapter seven – The Nearness Of You**

**I need no soft lights to enchant me**

**If you'll only grant me the right**

**To hold you ever so tight**

**And to feel in the night the nearness of you**

**The Nearness of You – Norah Jones**

The breeze had turned into a powerful wind that made her hair fly around her face and caress her flesh with a delicate softness that contrasted with the weather. Holding tight the bottle of wine, Karen tended her arms, leaned her head backwards and closed her eyes as if to make one with the storm. A sentiment of power invaded her and all of a sudden she felt incredibly light. On the verge to fly.

Slowly, she took her stilettos off and focused on the contact of her bare feet with the concrete of the old roof. It was cold yet tantalizing. The strange thing was that she had never liked wearing high heels. Not just for the pain but because she felt like it cut her off from reality. The addicting abruptness of life.

Soon enough, Karen reached a teak bench. Without thinking it twice, she jumped on it and stayed there, still. She had never been afraid of heights, not even a single time in her life. And Manhattan looked so appealing by night down there, below her feet as she looked down. It was just a multitude of lights. A multitude of silent lights.

"What are you doing?"

Will's voice made her smile but she didn't turn around to look at him. Instead, she took a deep breath as the wind caressed her nape. On her tiptoes, the sensation was even better. Almost surreal.

"Karen! Step down. You are going to fall."

It made her laugh. Though at this exact moment, she wasn't sure whether it was because of Will's being worried or the odd sensation she had that the world could be easy. Almost too much. She wasn't drunk but vaguely tipsy. The world was slowly spinning around and she loved it. One could forget everything by then. But then it came back to hit her straight in the face. Cruelly.

The firm contact of his hands on her stomach made her gasp but she let him do. Because she hadn't the slightest strength anymore anyway.

"Let me fly..."

Her return on the hard ground weighed on her heart and instinctively, Karen went to slap Will. But her gestures lacked precision, because of the alcohol that was now running through her veins. His hand got a grip on her wrist and she frowned, suddenly angry. It was her own Saturday night. She did what she wanted to do of it. Will didn't have to interfere with her plans. Not the slightest bit.

"You could be dead by now!"

Still holding her bottle firmly, Karen rolled her eyes and made unsteady steps towards the door that led inside the building.

"And so what?"

The worst of all was that she hadn't even felt down. Jack had simply canceled their plans and smoothly enough she had ended up spending her evening with Stanley in the library. Or so. After a cigar, he had put on his coat and headed out to his club.

At times, Karen wondered whether she had made the right choice. Whether going for money instead of a more humble existence had been that bright. Yet she hadn't really had any other option, at no moment. It had happened and that was it.

"Kare..."

Everything stopped her, from the tone of his voice to the delicacy of the nickname. He had never called her like that before. It sounded almost intimate. She blushed, looked down and passed her tongue over her lips. Deep inside, she hoped that the night would hide the heat that had rushed up her face. Because she felt too weak, suddenly. Vulnerable at the most.

Once her heartbeats calmed down, she turned around and looked at Will straight in the eyes. He looked sad. And disarmed.

"What are you doing here, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be on a date, tonight?"

"It is one in the morning... I was looking for you when Rosario told me that you were probably up on this roof. What is wrong with you?"

Karen wanted to make a step forward but ended up losing her balance and leaned down on the wall to prevent from falling. Perhaps she had drunk too much that evening. Perhaps she should have slowed down a bit.

"Why, I didn't know that you were a shrink."

She was slurring her words, and pretty badly. It was becoming embarrassing. In a desperate attempt to calm down her nerves, Karen breathed slowly. Deeply. And waited for Will's words.

"No but I am your friend. Your worried friend. You were about to jump, Karen. You were about to kill yourself. And not just because of alcohol. Did something happen with your husband?"

His question pissed her off and she couldn't help rolling her eyes in exasperation. Yet she didn't move, but remained still against the wall. To prevent from falling down.

"The whole world doesn't revolve around Stanley Walker! Not even myself... Now would you mind to get the fuck out of here and leave me alone for a few..."

The word 'seconds' came to die in the most unexpected move of her life as Will shut her with a kiss, a firm one on her lips. And all of a sudden, nothing made sense anymore. Nothing had importance. The world could have exploded that she wouldn't have noticed the slightest thing.

Against all expectations, Will deepened the kiss and let his hand slide on her waist protectively. Karen had lost track of everything. Just like that, within a second. And something was happening, close to her heart. Devastating her mind. She wa melting under his touch, succumbing to an odd motion.

Subconsciously, she let go of the bottle of wine and only the loud sound of its crash on the floor did make Will break apart. Taken aback, confused, they both stared blankly at the damage on the floor. And the red liquid running around, drawing abstract figures that soon enough the rain would take away. Like all the rest, hopefully.


	8. I've Got To See You Again

**Chapter eight – I've Got To See You Again**

**No I won't go to share you with them**

**But oh even though I know where you've been**

**I can't help myself**

**I've got to see you again**

**I've Got To See You Again – Norah Jones**

So he had left. She had woken up late the next morning, her heart beating loud against her temples. It would be just another hangover. After all, she was getting used to them. As she had headed down to the kitchen, Karen hadn't met the slightest person and then she had understood. Will had left back home as planned but still, without sharing a few words with her before.

Not that she wondered why. He had kissed her unexpectedly, there on the roof. Under the stars and the cold breeze of September. Nothing else had happened but yet it had turned to be too much obviously. It had spread a veil of embarrassment once they had broken apart and looked in disbelief at the pieces of the bottle of wine on the ground. In a murmur of apologies, he had left and retreated to his bedroom as she had remained there on the roof for a while. Not so drunk anymore but confused, and frightened.

Had she cheated on Stanley? Had she just crossed the lines and tasted the dangerous savor of infidelity? It had never happened to her before. And she hadn't meant it. Things might have gone precariously with her husband, Karen had nonetheless never thought about going towards someone else. Because she had said yes to him, and accepted vows at some point in her life. She was not this kind of person at all. And yet...

If Sundays had seemed boring in her life, they had simply turned into an old torture as she had moved to the mansion. The Upper East Side plunged into dry torpor by then and the silence of the area seemed to find an echo in the absence of life that was haunting the penthouse. Olivia and Mason spent most of their weekends at their mother's place but Stanley and her didn't take advantage of it to do something a normal couple would do. The notion of 'together' was a foreign one to their marriage. Perhaps it was the key of success in the long term, oddly enough.

At seven in the evening and while the sun slowly disappeared in the darkness of the sky, Karen couldn't take it any longer. She had remained sat by the window of the library, trying to focus on the novel she had been reading but something hot was pressing against her lips. Something that not a single drink had managed to take off in spite of her trying. It was their kiss, the contact of his lips against hers. Feeling the heat of his body molding her own one if only for a few seconds. He had taken her aback completely and they needed to talk about it. They couldn't pretend that nothing had happened. No. It wasn't fair, for a thousand reasons.

She grabbed a jacket and her bag then left.

There wouldn't be any limousine, any chauffeur. For some reason, Karen felt like that she had to be as discreet as possible. And for the first time in a very long while, she took the stairs down to the subway. There was something strange to suddenly find herself among a crowd that didn't seem to make it up in The Upper East Side. Some sort of boiling life she looked at in the distance, almost intimidated.

He was alone. The moment he opened his door to her, Karen realized that Grace wasn't there. Had she decided to stay at her boyfriend for an extra night? After all, the works in the building weren't over and soon enough it would be about the painting. Perhaps she had preferred to not come back immediately.

"What are you doing here?"

Not that she needed a reason to stop by. For the past twelve months, she had come to his apartment as soon as she could because it gave her something more, something she didn't find at her own place. Yet she rarely stayed if Grace and Jack weren't around.

"We need to talk... Do you mind if I smoke?"

As he shook his head, she grabbed her pack of cigarettes but didn't even light one. She was nervous and suddenly wasn't sure why she had come there in the first place. Perhaps pretending was better, then turn the page.

"I am sorry if I didn't see you this morning. I talked to Stanley for a few minutes and finally come back home. I had a lot of things to do around, here."

"Is it because of yesterday? Because we kissed..."

Will waved it off. They hadn't even sat down. She had just abandoned her jacket on the armchair and put her bag down on the floor and was now playing nervously with her pack of Marlboro. It wasn't easy because she had never had to face such a situation with a friend before. And for all the rest...

"I don't know why I did that in the first place. I apologize... Honestly, who knows? Perhaps I had drunk too much as well and the truth is that my date hadn't turned that right so perhaps everything got mixed and... I am really sorry, Kare."

He had done it again. This nickname that sounded so personal, so intimate. Too much, obviously. Taken aback by it, she looked up and searched for his gaze. He was only a few feet away from her, and looked troubled. Uncertain.

Unsteady steps led her to him, not caused by alcohol this time but by a third strength she couldn't really understand or scan. As she made it close enough to him for a face-to-face, Karen nodded and accepted his apologies implicitly. Then she passed her hand on his nape and captured his lips in a kiss.

The same as the one of the previous night. Same feelings, same dizziness rushing from her stomach to her head and the sentiment that nothing else mattered at the end.


	9. Feelin' The Same Way

**Chapter nine – Feelin' The Same Way**

**And I'm feelin' the same way all over again**

**Feelin' the same way all over again**

**Singin' the same lines all over again**

**No matter how much I pretend**

**Feeling' The Same Way – Norah Jones**

The ringing of a phone in the background woke her up. Without really paying attention to the rest, she rolled on her back and winced. The pale sun of September was piercing through the bedroom windows and caressing her bare skin of a warm kiss. A few seconds passed by before Karen made it back to the kind of reality she had landed in. The scent, the rustle of the sheets. She wasn't in her bed but in Will's. Though he wasn't there and her intuition led her to understand that he had actually left earlier.

10am. Absentmindedly, Karen stared at the alarm o'clock on the nightstand until the phone stopped in the background. Someone had tried to call the land line. Will, perhaps. Checking if she was still there. She hadn't found the courage to wake up and check. What if it was someone else, anyway? What would she have said? She didn't live there.

Slowly enough, she made it to the bathroom and stepped in the shower. While the water drops began to slide down her naked body, Karen closed her eyes and tried to make things clear. They had spent all the night together. She had slept with him. They had undressed each other, shared eager kisses before going way too intimate to ever consider their relation now as a mere friendship.

Her heart was pounding loud in her chest. She felt guilty, towards Stanley and towards herself. Because if she had had to be honest then she should say that she had enjoyed it. Not for the novelty of someone else but for a thousand different things, starting with the way she had reacted to it. It had been shy yet perfect. And sweet.

For once, she didn't go straight to the office but stopped by a coffee place at the corner. She was hungry and needed to fully wake up. Will had let her sleep. Had he observed her while she was lost in her quiet dreams? Cappuccino and bagel in hand, she nervously came in before sitting at her desk like a random morning.

"Why, Karen... Isn't it a bit early? Almost noon."

Grace was in a good mood, a couple of pens in hand and obviously focused on a sketch. Just Monday, it was just the beginning of another week in her head. While Karen studied her through large sunglasses wondering if she had betrayed her while sleeping with Will.

If she had betrayed her when she had let him kiss her. On her inner thighs, her inner arms. Her breasts.

"Was last night that wild, Karen?"

She froze immediately under Grace's question who, as she had looked up at her, had suddenly burst out laughter. What was she talking about? Grace wasn't a mind reader at all. On the contrary, she seemed to have the right thing to miss it all cruelly.

"Your hickey. You have a hickey on your neck..."

Instinctively, Karen jumped off her chair and rushed to the nearest mirror that was hanging above their coffee machine. How could she have missed that? How could Will have dared? It hadn't happened to her since she had turned fourteen. Trying to hide her blush, she put some strand of hair right on it.

"It isn't a hickey but an allergic reaction. You and your imagination, Gracie."

He had planted his lips so many times on her collar bone that she couldn't remember when it might have happened exactly. His lips soft against her shivering skin, his tongue drawing invisible circles on it. He had driven her crazy, probably led by the prohibition effect of the whole situation. They were friends, not lovers. Will had almost married Grace to finally announced that he preferred men. And after these years, among all this precarious balance, Karen had slept with him.

"I thought I would never make... You are there?"

Almost as surprised as him, Karen stared at Will in disbelief as he passed the door of the office before stopping in his tracks. Grace had probably told him that she hadn't arrived yet at the office. So he had assumed that it would be safe except in the meantime, she had rushed in almost accidentally.

She didn't reply to him and focused on her coffee instead, a fashion magazine opened on her desk. Now that was embarrassing. What kind of next morning was it? She had avoided him in bed a few hours ago but the sentiment of going public now was worse.

"Give me one second and I will be ready."

As if it the situation weren't uncomfortable enough, Grace left for the bathroom. They were alone as if there was no chance for them to escape from a face-to-face. In an attempt of lightness, Karen kept on going through her magazine as if nothing had happened. But the silence was heavy above them. Way too loud.

"How..."

He was making the first step. Feeling a weight suddenly fly away, Karen looked up at him and smiled as his voice resounded low yet confident in the background.

"I am ready!"

But Grace came back in and everything disappeared in ashes. Will's question remained suspended and she looked at them both leave, together. Perhaps it was better like that, anyway. She was married and he wasn't supposed to sleep with women. A one-night stand. It hadn't happened to her since college but it seemed obvious now. A bittersweet dead-end path she had rushed in for no reason the evening before. A nice moment that didn't have to ever happen again.


	10. Nightingale

**Chapter ten – Nightingale**

**All the voices that are spinnin' around me**

**Trying to tell me what to say**

**Can I fly right behind you**

**And you can take me away**

**Nightingale – Norah Jones**

She had let the crowd take her there, sweeping away her previous plans for a last-minute impulsion, the kind of decisions she hadn't succumbed to in a very long while and yet made life sweeter. Bearable, all of a sudden. Slowly, her steps had led her among the stands and the loud conversations. The dust that a slight breeze was making fly in the air like an old waltz. And the books. A thousand ones spreading just for her, in front of her eyes.

She loved reading. It wasn't a secret for anyone. Even at the office at times did she abandon a magazine for a novel instead. If at some point fictions had helped her to overcome an unsuccessful existence now it was more about the pleasure brought by the words, the stories in themselves and the sensation to, for a few hours, belong to another world.

_The Portrait of Dorian Gray_. She had read it several times already but as her eyes saw it there among a pile of old books, she instantly stopped and stared at it intently. She wanted it. This one, this copy. For a reason she couldn't explain. As fast as possible, Karen tended her hand towards it but as her fingers got a touch on the cover, someone else's hand tried to grab it as well.

"I am sorry."

She apologized right away, even though nobody could really be blamed in all of this. Instinctively, she looked up at the stranger and froze. Taken aback. What was Will doing there? On a Tuesday afternoon, in Brooklyn. He should have been at his workplace.

Of course they hadn't seen each other since the awkward moment at Grace's office the day before. She hadn't tried to call him nor had he and she had spent the rest of the evening alone at the mansion trying to understand what had happened. What was happening. Because it wasn't over. They would talk about it. They had to. Or everything would keep on sounding strange.

"What are you doing here?"

She bought the book after a couple of mumbles and stared at it intently while they both sat down at the table of a small coffee store. It was a strange situation that she had imagined taking place at the lounge of some Manhattan palace and not such an impersonal, little store.

"I was visiting a client. I was on my way back to the subway when I saw the book fair. I assumed that I could cast a glance at what they had in store."

Karen nodded at the explanation. The truth was that she didn't mind that much, if not at all.

"You didn't wake me up."

Though her affirmation sounded more like a question, something that needed to be cleared up as much as she dreaded it. She hated making the first step. She wasn't good at it and seemed to lose control over the situation too easily.

"You wanted me to do so?"

Shallow wonders crossed her mind, from her messy hair in the morning to the makeup she hadn't taken off properly the night before. All these little elements that made of the morning after something not as perfect as the movies showed. They had made love twice, in the complete silence of their sighs; stifled moans. A dimmed light caressing their bare skin, hiding their blushing before such a new intimacy.

"No..."

A waitress too young to be in college yet brought them their respective coffees. They didn't look that bad in spite of the gloomy place.

There wasn't sugar. She had forgotten to ask for some. Reluctantly and too uncomfortable to catch back the employee's attention, Karen brought the drink to her lips. It was a tad bitter but not as worse as she had thought in the first place.

"You aren't the first one. You aren't the first woman I have slept with."

Now that took her aback. Not just because she hadn't even assumed such a thing about Will's past but for the timing. It was off-track. Yet she couldn't help liking it.

"But I thought..."

"Jack knows about Diane who was some sort of a rebound plan after I told Grace that I was gay. I can't say that it was a success to be honest. Then I met Margaret..."

She couldn't believe it. How many women had Will slept with? All of a sudden nothing made sense but perhaps the reason why he hadn't seemed too awkward during their own night. Sure there had been this timidity of the first times but nothing else that would have led her to think that he didn't have that much experience with the other sex.

The rest of their conversation got stolen by a cloud of wonders and incomprehension, at least for Karen until she found herself back in the street holding tightly her copy of _The Portrait of Dorian Gray. _Was it over now? So easily, almost logically.

"I am going to get a cab, do you want us to share the ride?"

Will shook his head. Perhaps he was right at the end, perhaps going their respective way was better and it would settle down the fact they were turning the page. Giving him a bright smile, she turned around and left. Cabs were nowhere to be seen in such a small Brooklyn street, even less with the book fair. If she wanted to find one, she had to go down and reach the next avenue.

She had just passed by a barber shop when a hand grabbed her wrist. Swallowing back a scream, she turned around immediately only to face Will. Incomprehension; the afternoon was lost in confusion.

"What..."

But her question got stifled by his lips as he captured hers in a long, deep kiss. There, in the middle of a street. On a Tuesday afternoon. In Brooklyn.


	11. Turn Me On

**Chapter eleven – Turn Me On**

**I'm just sittin' here**

**Waitin' for you to come on home**

**And turn me on**

**Turn me on**

**Turn Me On – Norah Jones**

Slowly, her fingertips slid down his arm until they reached the palm of his hand. They scanned one by one the lines of his skin before finally embracing his own fingers as she held his hand tightly. Will let escape a silent laugh as she did so then kissed the top of her head. She responded to it by capturing his jaw with her lips yet remaining there, in the comfort of his neck.

"They match."

His comment made her blush. Passing her tongue over her lips, Karen looked aside and focused on the figure of their intertwined bodies under the sheets. From up there one could barely guess how her leg had slid between his, how his hand kept on caressing her lower back. It looked almost innocent in the distance when it was anything but that.

The subway passed by. Instinctively, her eyes landed on the window and through the thin curtain she observed the train soon enough disappear. It should have sounded gloomy. A hotel room, just like that. In Brooklyn. But she couldn't help loving it. Because it was their very own moment, far from the rest. For a few days she had hoped that it would be only a matter of sex but she was enjoying Will's presence too much for that. Besides he was tender. Too much?

"Yours is bigger than mine. How can you say that they match?"

Will sat up a little and brought back their respective hands to the center. As they came to rest over the sheets, she felt the heat of his fingers passing underneath the white fabric and reaching her breasts. She swallowed hard and tried to swept away whatever image was brought to her mind. They had made love twice. It was enough if only for a moment.

"Look at them, the way your fingers seem to... Make the perfect connection with mine. It isn't about the size of our hands but the result. Just like a marble statue, somehow."

Nobody had ever told her this kind of things. As a matter of fact, men until now had tended to avoid it and a bit embarrassed she had spent most of her life looking at them go away. Leaving her alone in bed. For some reason she couldn't explain, Will was different. Perhaps he was just pretending but he seemed to enjoy this moment so much. It was too perfect.

At least her marriage to Stanley and, of course, his relation to Grace kind of brought balance to all of this. Because life wasn't all pink.

Without any warning, Karen rolled on her side and passed on top of him. Her lips looking for his in a deep, hungry kiss. A week and a half had passed by since he had grabbed her wrist in the middle of the book fair in Brooklyn. Since he had dared to kiss her there, right in the street. Then it had been about a few hotels and the daylight, so bright on their naked skins. She knew his body by heart now. The mere reaction under her touch, the brushing of her lips on his flesh.

"You have to go, don't you?"

Chin on her hand and casually bent over him, Karen locked her eyes with Will's and smiled softly. They didn't have any schedule, any day to respect in order to see each other. It just happened. Or not. And the rest could wait. She didn't even want to think about the very next week or what would occur in a couple of months. No, it was a day-to-day thing and she gladly accepted it.

"I need to be home by seven. Well, you too as a matter of fact. There is a poker game coming tonight... You didn't forget, did you?"

She passed a hand over his body and abandoned the bed. Her clothes had been haphazardly thrown on the floor but she couldn't care less. She grabbed her thong and put it on.

"Of course not. I will bring a couple of bottles of wine. And..."

Her fingers slid on her bra as she tried to hook it properly. It took Will a couple of seconds to go and help her, his own hand brushing her back with a barely contained sensuality. Turning her head and looking down at his gesture, Karen bit her lower lip.

"Thank you... What was I saying? Ah yes, is Grace staying tonight?"

Her question had nothing of innocent. On the contrary. From her tone of voice to the gaze she gave him a mischievous lust suddenly began to float over the room. Yet she let him go for his clothes. It was time to dress up again. Then catch a subway in the anonymity of the city. As usual, as people simply went to their office.

"She hasn't told me yet. But... Hopefully."

It happened to be their last word in the room. A few minutes later, they were back in the noisy street as if nothing special had just happened. Next to each other, they headed down to the nearest subway and waited in silence on the platform. It was crowded by then, executives getting lost among tourists and a few teenagers out from school. The train arrived, she kissed him. Deeply, freely.

"See you later..."

Then she stepped into the train. He would take the next one.


	12. Come Away With Me

**Chapter twelve – Come Away With Me**

**And I want to wake up with the rain **

**Falling on a tin roof**

**While I'm safe there in your arms**

**So all I ask is for you**

**To come away with me in the night**

**Come away with me**

**Come Away With Me – Norah Jones**

It was a nice house. Not the typical suburban type she had grown up in for a while once her father had died though. The Truman's had more money. It was obvious and they showed it with all the subtlety in the world that it took to nonetheless scream it out loud. Yet as she stepped into the living-room, Karen felt cold. The place wasn't abandoned and yet felt like so. It was an odd sensation, oppressive.

"Would you like some drink?"

Marilyn was a high-maintenance, good-looking suburban wife. She perfectly fit the role until her eyes revealed her soul to you and then you realized, a bit disarmed, that behind her neat mascara, she looked actually sad.

Quietly, Karen accepted the glass that the woman was handing her. A Bloody Mary – old fashion yet so classic. She hadn't had one in a long while. A couple of years, maybe. Settling further on the couch, she brought it to her lips and let the liquid warm up her throat. Until it reached her lungs and burnt there. It was the reason why she loved alcohol that much at the end. It hurt in the most beautiful way ever, that old numbed world she had become addicted to.

"I didn't know that Grace was looking for an assistant."

Marilyn was incisive in her questions, never breaking eye-contact with her interlocutor. Her boldness could almost pass as rude but Karen loved it. She wasn't as politically correct as she seemed to be. The side-effect of a boring existence in WASP Connecticut, probably.

"If she hired me for something then it is for my contacts. Certainly not for my skills as an assistant, let's be honest."

And then a silence, a long one during which Marilyn didn't move but kept on observing Karen with an odd attention. Did she know that Will was sleeping with her? Could she feel it? It was improbable but nobody could ever really know.

When Will had offered her to come and spend the weekend in Connecticut, Karen should have refused. For a thousand reasons. Because Grace and Jack wouldn't be there. Because she was married and was supposed to share her free time with her family. Because of what Will and her did, at times. In that full anonymity.

"So... Karen, tell us a bit more about you. Where do you come from, where did you graduate?"

George's questions made her blush if only slightly. As she sat down, she nonetheless managed to give a smile before looking down desperately at her empty plate. It hadn't crossed her mind that they would want to know more about her. Yet it couldn't sound more logical.

Moving nervously on her chair, she took a deep breath and tried to focus on the fact that she could trust Will. He wouldn't say anything to anyone. Not necessarily because they were friends but for the evident blackmail she could use against him. Sad but true.

"I was born in England. My father... He was English and we only moved back to The United States a couple of years later. Different cities all around the country... And... I went to Sarah Lawrence. I didn't graduate because I got married but my major was sociology."

She felt Will's gaze on her but since she didn't dare to look up, she couldn't tell if he was smiling or just surprised by her revelations. It wasn't a lot for most of people but regarding her usual behavior, she had needed a lot of courage to say this all out loud, and abandon some of her original principles.

"Sarah Lawrence is an excellent college. One of my nieces went there. Isn't that right, Will?"

The rest of the lunch went smoothly, a delicate restraint nonetheless weighing on their words. The mere gesture. It reminded her of the first time she had gone to every single one of her boyfriend's parents. A long time before she made it to the socialite sphere and got married without even meeting first any kind of relative.

Except that she wasn't in a relationship with Will. Eventually they saw each other a few times a week in the silence of a hotel room or late in the night at his place but nothing more. Nothing else. And she had no problem with that nor was in denial.

It wouldn't be a romantic weekend, it had been clear since the beginning. But Connecticut had sounded terribly appealing all of a sudden in comparison with the coldness of The Upper East Side mansion. It would be a nice getaway and that was it. The tiny hope to go away with him if only for a few days.

…

"Sociology?"

After a coffee with Marilyn and George, they had decided to go for a walk in the woods at the end of the street. The air was chilly, announcing the winter quietly, but it was nice to finally be only with him, in such a quiet place. The leaves were crackling under their feet, a carpet of brown and yellow opening them the path to the heart of the silent place.

Hands in the pockets of her jacket and looking intently at the ground, Karen shrugged.

"Sometimes you have to find something to properly fill your life in the meantime."


	13. Painter Song

**Chapter thirteen – Painter Song**

**If I were a painter**

**I would paint my reverie**

**If that's the only way for you to be with me**

**Painter Song – Norah Jones**

When she was a child, Karen had kept on wondering why people closed their eyes as soon as they went for a kiss with a special someone. Didn't they want to actually see their beloved ones? It didn't make a lot of sense to her. Then it had happened to her, one day. And she had understood. You felt lighter as if flying to another land if you fully succumbed to it. It brought another dimension.

Her lips reluctantly left his and as she broke apart, Karen looked up at Will then smiled. Saturday was usually a moment they didn't share except in the evening when going out with Grace and Jack. But he had called her a bit out of the blue and she had accepted to come along. Not to a hotel room but to one of these outdoor markets in The Upper West Side where pumpkins met the children of the area in some sort of pre-Halloween. A joyful one.

"Good afternoon."

They kissed in the street, in front of everyone. It was dangerous but for some reason they assumed that it was safe and nobody would notice anything anyway. Nobody would walk in on them. It was a wrong idea but they couldn't help themselves. They felt stronger together. Disillusioned to the most.

Her hand slid down his jacket until she found his fingers. Intertwining hers with his, she held his hand tightly and they began to walk through the local crowd. People didn't stare at them but Karen still had this wonder in head, whether these strangers saw them like a couple. It was wrong and she knew it but still, there was something sweet about it. The fact she could pretend, maybe.

"I need two pumpkins and of course, I can't come back home without Grace's peanut brittle or she will kill me."

Lately Karen had noticed that they didn't only meet to have sex. They enjoyed sharing a drink, going to a gallery for an opening. Since the weekend they had both spent at his parents, things had changed in a very odd way that she couldn't define. Perhaps it was too sweet and she should put an end to it before it being too late. But then it meant going back to Stanley, Olivia and Mason. She felt in the way, there. It didn't sound as logical as being there, wandering through the stands with Will. Hand in hand.

"Perhaps I should buy one for the kids... I mean, I know they like Halloween. It is just that their trick or treat happens to be with their nanny."

And it was better this way around. Karen couldn't imagine herself doing so, knocking on people's door all night long. She wasn't their mother and would never be. It didn't hurt to say so. It just seemed true.

"Do you know how to choose the right pumpkin?"

The truth was that she had never celebrated Halloween. Bad timing, wrong country. She let him explain everything and pumpkins in plastic bags, their steps led them to Morningside Height. The crowd was so different there. Not many families, mostly students from Columbia. And a ton of bookstores, the usual cheap coffee stores.

"How about a cappuccino?"

Will didn't want to go back home yet. Nor did she. Smiling and looking up at the sky playfully, Karen shrugged then bit her lower lip.

"How about a hot chocolate?"

It was a windy day, gray sky and the smell of winter floating above constantly. The daylight wasn't that bright anymore but it brought to the city something very special. A shade she liked a lot.

They passed the door of the first coffee store they found. Brick walls, students around. A soft music in the background. A typical New York place where you couldn't but feel fine, and relaxed.

"How is it going with Stanley? Are you still planning on getting a divorce?"

She didn't mind talking with Will about her marriage, even now that they slept together and thus kind of constituted an affair. She should have felt guilty if not just avoided the subject but for some reason, it was okay. After all, she had gone to Will in the first place when having doubts about Stanley. Nobody else but him had got to know about it.

"No."

What would she have done anyway if asking for a divorce? What would she have become? She needed her husband more than anything else at the moment. And would probably always do if she had to be a tad honest. She depended on him. Immensely depended on him.

"And you? Grace talked about Michael the other day at the office..."

That was new. They had never alluded to Will's ex-boyfriend until now. Perhaps she shouldn't have said the slightest thing and oriented the conversation on another matter but it had come up by itself. With a lot of care, she stared at Will and waited anxiously for an answer.

"There is nothing new to add about him. We haven't talked in a while. As a matter of fact, I haven't seen him in a while. Last time I got some news, he was dating someone."

She felt stupid. Obviously she shouldn't have alluded to Michael. Whatever had happened between Will and him, it had owned the hopes that she had never put on her marriage to Stanley.

"I am sorry..."

Will swept her apologies away bending over and capturing her lips in a long, sweet kiss. Just there, in the middle of a crowded coffee store on a Saturday afternoon. Like the normal couple they were not.


	14. The Long Day Is Over

**Chapter fourteen – The Long Day Is Over**

**The wind is gone**

**Asleep at dawn**

**The embers burn down**

**The Long Day Is Over – Norah Jones**

She had lit a cigarette but didn't even crave one. Something had simply been missing at the end of her fingers, a sort of shield. Just like when she forgot to put on her rings. She felt bare and naked without them, vulnerable at the most. In silence and listening to the band, Karen settled further on the leather couch. She was tired. Her back was painful and her ankles seemed to be throbbing blood more than the usual. One day she would have to slow down and accept to wear something else than stilettos.

She had sat down at the end of the couch next to Jack. Then came Grace along, and Will. Almost far in the distance. They had met at a hotel earlier in the afternoon. They had made love, talked for a while in the pale daylight of October then kissed goodbye on the platform of the train only to meet here again a few hours later. At a jazz club in The Village.

It went too well. In spite of the secrecy and the lies, Karen couldn't help thinking that the fluidity with which she came along with Will was too perfect. Too neat. Not that she wanted to burst into cries and feel a burning pain reach her heart but it didn't have to be that way. And that was it.

"Do you want to dance?"

As she had plunged her eyes into the depths of her Martini glass, Will's hand suddenly made it into her vision and she looked up at him. She hadn't seen him approach and there he was, now. Standing by her side, waiting for her reply. A quick glance at Grace and Jack. They were observing the scene, amused if not sweetly perplexed. The day before again, Will and her had argued in front of their friends. But who could guess that anyway, it was just a game?

"Sure..."

He took her hand as she stood up and led her through the crowd of dancers. The place was intimate yet crowded to a point that it took a while to go from your seat to the bar. Some tables had been pushed in a corner to make some room for the potential dancers. Not so many people liked moving on jazz. It was slow, most of the times. Sensual in its own way.

Coming closer to the musicians if only to escape from Grace and Jack's sight, they began to dance. His hands on her lower back. Hers around his neck. Actually, it was the first time they shared a dance. They had kissed, made love but never spent four minutes in each other's arms that way around.

"Why did you do that? Why did you invite me to dance?"

It wasn't risky since a potential relation was nearly impossible to their friends' eyes but unusual and the truth was, Karen didn't know how to handle that. It was odd to be in his arms now, in public. Sure they had kissed in the streets, and held hands. But by then they had made sure that nobody they knew was in sight or about to walk in on them. Right now, Grace and Jack could eventually observe them. It made a thousand things different.

"You looked lonely and sad."

At least he hadn't tried to come up with some heavy, flirty comment. One of those she had learned to hate so much in her life. Yet Will's words took her aback. The reason of the step he made towards her wasn't very glorious and all of a sudden, she couldn't help wondering if he made love to her for exactly the same reasons.

Because she would look desperate, in need of someone who would ease whatever was going wrong in her mind.

"Pensive. I was pensive, not sad."

The music stopped but she didn't notice the slightest thing. Only the crowd's applause got her out of a couple of daydreams and before she had time to take note of anything, she was back on her seat. On the opposite side of Will.

She wouldn't stay at his place that night. Grace was there, only a few feet away. None of them wanted to play with fire, especially when they had many other occasions to see each other. Instead, she would simply go back home. Alone. Perhaps if it wasn't too late, Stanley would still be up and smoking a big cigar in the library. A glass of Brandy by his side. Reading some historic novel he liked so much. She would stop by the door frame and they would try to speak. For a few seconds. Then she would head to bed and turn the lights off hoping for something different. Not necessarily lighter but where holding a few hopes would still make sense.

"Now didn't you make a nice couple on the dance floor..."

Jack's comment got her out of her reverie and not knowing what to say, she simply stared at him a bit blankly. The musicians were on a break and an impersonal music was being played in the background in the meantime.

Grace welcomed the comment with a frank laugh, perhaps in order to hide an odd doubt. Yet she wasn't very intuitive, not a good observer. She had obviously missed a lot of things in the past and suffered so much because of it.

"I don't bang homos."

He wouldn't take it bad. He couldn't do that. Nonetheless a bit worried about the words she had used as well as the crude way they had come out of her mouth, Karen looked at Will on the other end of the old couch. He smiled. She relaxed.


	15. Lonestar

**Chapter fifteen – Lonestar**

**How far you are I just don't know**

**The distance I'm willing to go**

**I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky**

**Hoping for some kind of sign**

**Lonestar – Norah Jones**

"You don't like changes, do you?"

Her eyes went from the young girl's gaze to her fingers. Her nails, more precisely. The deep red varnish was there, as usual. Contrasting sharply with her pale complexion. For a few seconds, she stayed quiet observing the result of her manicure. It looked perfect. Controlled, feminine.

"Are you talking about the color? I have never been into pink."

The beautician shrugged before rummaging through the different varnish bottles spread in front of her on the table. The panel was impressive yet Karen had always wondered if clients really dared to go for a bright orange or the dark yellow. Women who came for a manicure at Barney's were just like her. A bunch of businessmen' wives who all obeyed to the same principles. Classic, nothing extravagant.

"This purple could suit you. If you wear a lot of black clothes then you could try it. You know, for some change..."

Reluctantly, Karen grabbed the small bottle and looked at the dark liquid in it. She wasn't convinced at all. Perhaps if she had been in her twenties, eventually. Now it seemed too late for such a fantasy.

"What for?"

Her question made the young employee scoff if not simply burst out laughing. The answer owned this evidence Karen always missed apparently. Why would she change something that didn't cause any kind of problem? It was being in charge of too many things. A hard task.

"Why, to make life less boring!"

The boredom in her existence didn't come from a nail varnish choice. If only it were that simple then a lot of things wouldn't have occurred. These regrets she wished she could forget. It wasn't about a mere bottle and a panel of colors. Life was tough, if not incomprehensible. And you needed more than some removal to get rid of the stains.

"You know what? Just take it. I give it to you. Take it home and if during the week you feel like trying then go and do it. This red is good on you but there are so many more possibilities out there. Don't stick to the easiest one!"

She could have got the young girl fired. Employees at Barney's weren't supposed to give such opinion on customers' habits. But against all expectations, Karen grabbed the small varnish bottle and put it in her bag then left.

It was an ordinary Saturday in the city. Crowded sidewalks, international tourists and New Jersey like families. She hated it. By then it seemed like New York succumbed to a shade that wasn't its. And she felt lost all of a sudden. Out of beat. Weekdays owned an authenticity she loved more than anything. A complete different scheme.

A week earlier Stanley had told her about the reception, at their place. It didn't happen very often for a reason she wasn't sure to understand but now that she could count the hours left before the evening, she was feeling excited about it. It would break down their cold routine if only for a few hours. The house would fill itself of conversations and laughter and she would be happy. Just that.

A few blocks later, she reached the mansion and light enough passed the door. Abandoning her bag on the table in the lobby, she went straight for Stanley who was smoking a cigar in the library. Someone had lit up the fireplace as if to match the gray sky of the day.

"Any plan for tonight?"

His question took her aback. If it had been someone else then perhaps she could have assumed that he was joking around but Stanley didn't have a very developed sense of humor. She had learned about it rather early in their relation. Trying to remember whether she had mixed the dates, Karen frowned and shook her head.

"Don't we held a reception tonight?"

He looked surprised, not by the question in itself but the fact she actually remembered about that. The years had taught her to not take this kind of reaction too bad. Because he didn't do it on purpose. It was just who he was.

"You didn't think that you had to attend it, did you? It is a work reception. Colleagues and clients will be here. You wouldn't like being around, I can assure you. Go and see your friends. I know that you are always having a great time with them."

Yet it was insulting. She was his wife, not that stupid. She could held a conversation even about the old market and how the conjecture was bad.

"You are right... They are actually waiting for me."

Slowly, Karen headed to her bedroom after retrieving her bags in the lobby. She sat by the vanity and looked at her reflection in the mirror for long seconds. She looked neutral if not transparent. In a barely contained angry gesture, she grabbed the purple nail varnish out of her bag and opened it. She removed the red one from Barney's before applying the other one.

_Do you mind if I stop by tonight?_

_K._

The varnish weighed on her nails unless it was the whole situation from Stanley's words to her stifled anger and the message she had just sent to Will. She had to go out. And now. Between these walls, she was suffocating.

_Grace leaves within an hour. _

_I'll get the wine._

_W._


	16. Thinking About You

**Chapter sixteen – Thinking About You**

**Yesterday I saw the sun shinin'**

**And the leaves were fallin' down softly**

**My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch**

**And I was thinkin' about you**

**Thinking About You – Norah Jones**

It wasn't her style or at least Will assumed so but the merchant kept on staring at him with a smile that couldn't be denied. He would take it. What were five dollars in a life, anyway? Handing the money to the guy, Will grabbed the leather bracelet and turned around to face Karen. She looked intimidated all of a sudden. Almost taken aback by the scene.

He wasn't asking her to wear it all the time. Actually he had bought it just in order the merchant to stop bragging about it and how it would suit Karen. If the man kept on shouting like that, half of the district would turn around and look at them when it was exactly what they wanted to avoid.

It was a cheap jewel, one of those that teenagers loved so much. Quietly, Karen tended her arm and rolled up the sleeve of her jacket. Her wrist was bare, pale. It looked weak. And when Will had a chance to go and kiss it, he could always feel her heart pounding there. Against her vein.

"Your lady has to make a wish as you tie it up."

With a playful smile, Karen closed her eyes then nodded to nobody in particular but herself, as words flew away in the secrecy of her mind. It was an extremely unusual situation, from the bracelet to the way Karen responded to the whole thing. But she was in a light mood. As a matter of fact, she had been like that for a while, now. And for some reason, it made Will relax.

"I am sorry. You can take it off, now."

He had barely waited to be a strand away from the bracelet merchant to tell her that, wishing they had gone to the MET instead of the outdoor market. At least they would have avoided that odd moment and spent some time in the quietness of the museum. The air was chilly and it had rained most of the time for the past few days but the market place was nonetheless crowded.

"And what about my wish? There is no way I take it off!"

Her smile was a light one yet she was obviously not joking around. The thin bracelet didn't match any of her other accessories from her it-bag to her Rolex but it didn't seem to reach her that much suddenly. Or at least not yet. Perhaps as soon as she would get comments from people about it, would she begin to change her mind and get rid of it.

"Anyway... We are going to be late. We should hurry now. Grace and Jack have probably made it to the restaurant already."

As if to close up her sentence, she grabbed his wrist and captured his lips in a deep kiss. They wouldn't have a chance to remain that close for the next hours if not for the next days. She was supposed to leave on a weekend in Boston with Stanley and Will was going to Texas for a week to follow a client. If she thought about it, it was actually the first time they would be away from each other since they had begun to sleep together. Had they become closer, over than physically? She couldn't tell. They did spend a lot of time together but it had always been like that. If only since Will's ruined birthday they had celebrated attending ice skating with ecstatic Grace and Jack.

They reached the corner of Zabar's and she stopped him. Suddenly, without any warning. Their friends were probably waiting inside and if it weren't for the crowd, they would easily get caught through the windows of the deli.

"I am going to miss you. To miss... You know, this whole thing. It doesn't really make sense but still, I wanted to tell you about it. It won't be the same without you around. And the truth is..."

Anyway, she shouldn't have stopped him and even less started saying such things. The fact that Grace called their names out loud from the opposite sidewalk saved her from a delicate situation she wasn't sure why she had got into in the first place.

She had to stop. Not seeing Will but this odd sensation she had when by his side or thinking about him. It was going off-limits in a very ridiculous way. She was married and he was gay. The thought actually made her blush and she hid behind her menu. She was cheating on her husband and Will obviously had a thing for women too. Or it wouldn't have happened. At times, it was good to be true if only to herself. But still, in her head, it had to remain a mere game.

"Have you met back with an ex-Aussie surfer lover, Karen?"

Following Jack's gaze on her wrist, she smiled shyly and shook her head. She had already got used to it and could barely imagine take it off. Off-limits. The situation was slipping through her fingers with a barely hidden risk.

"I owe it to a very special someone. Nothing to do with Australia, I am afraid. And even less with surf."

Boston would come in handy, just like Texas. The distance would do the trick and everything would go back to normal. Because it had to.

"Yet an ex-lover?"

Grace's bold question surprised her. Confused, she shook her head at her friend and frowned. Lost.

"You said it didn't have to do with Australia and surf but you didn't refute the third part of the sentence. So..."

Lying to others was one thing. Lying to herself was another story. With great control, she didn't look at Will but passed her tongue over her lower lip. As if to win some time. Boston wouldn't come in handy. If she wanted the situation to not worsen then she had stop everything. Except she couldn't do that. She couldn't help seeing Will.

"You wish, don't you, Gracie?"


	17. Wish I Could

**Chapter seventeen – Wish I Could**

**We met in a place I used to go**

**Now I just walk by it for show, **

**Can't bear to go in without you know,**

**Wish I could**

**Wish I could**

**Wish I Could – Norah Jones**

"A penny for your thoughts..."

Yet Grace's smile didn't find an echo on her face and a bit embarrassed, Karen simply looked by the old window of the office. The rain had been falling down for a while now, sweeping away the last passers-by at the same time as the blue sky.

She was feeling down. For whatever reason. Something didn't seem right. She had spent a nice moment with Stanley in Boston but as soon as the skyline of New York had appeared in front of her eyes, it had all crashed. Like a dream she would have woken up from too early. Perhaps it simply had to do with the fall and its usual melancholy.

"I am getting old. And something is slipping through my fingers."

She didn't look at Grace but nonetheless felt her friend's surprised look on her. Nobody had expected a wave of sudden honesty. Usually it was all about jokes, and light comments. But not today. Today was about regrets and confusion. She could almost feel the tears brush her eyes, the pain in her throat.

"Getting old for what?"

Karen appreciated that her friend nonetheless gave into the conversation even though none of them had had time to get prepared for it. She wouldn't have felt fine if Grace had swept it away with a joke. She needed to talk. If only through half-words.

"For everything, I guess. From living to... Making the right choices, at the right time. I have screwed up most of my life."

Hormones. It had to do with hormones. She would have never come up with such a comment if she had been having a normal day. Even less to Grace. They were close but in a strange way that she could not really explain. As if their friendship took its time but strengthened day after day.

"What do you mean? You have pretty much succeeded if you ask me. I mean... Look at you. You got a lot more than most of people do."

Karen brought the mug of coffee to her lips but made a face at the contact with the drink. It wasn't hot anymore. She hated that.

"I miss someone I shouldn't be missing for a thousand reasons."

What was she doing? It didn't make sense and suddenly owned the main characteristics of high risks. It was not the best thing to allude to. Not now. Not with Grace. With nobody actually and perhaps it was why she didn't deal with Will's absence very well. She couldn't rely on anyone about it and if she had to be honest then it was hard.

"You mean like a relative? Someone who would have passed away or someone you could see again?"

Family. It was a notion completely blurry to her but she didn't mind that much. Life had other things to bring. Or at least technically.

"Someone who is still alive."

Grace didn't understand yet how could she anyway? She kept on staring at her with an innocent smile that did nothing but increase a sudden sentiment of guilt. If only she knew. Everything would tip over. Not only her place in Grace's life but Will's presence as well.

"Then call him! Or her. Life is short. Who knows if you will have the possibility to see this person in a few years? Anything can happen. Yet it all happens for a reason."

Instinctively, Karen looked at her fingernails. She had definitely abandoned red for purple in the most complete indifference of her entourage. And the bracelet she was wearing all the time. She was getting accustomed to the way water drops pierced through it when she took a shower or a bath then the feeling it left on her skin as it dried. She wouldn't take it off. Never.

"I can't do that, Gracie. It is... It is too complicated."

For a few seconds, her comment seemed to take Grace aback but not for very long. Shrugging it off, it all seemed too simple from her mind.

"You don't have any phone number? Check on the web. It is so easy nowadays to get this kind of info."

She dismissed the day a couple of hours later but not eager to go back to the mansion, Karen took the train instead and headed to Brooklyn. She walked by the street where Will had grabbed her wrist, the one where they had kissed for the first time. He had taken her aback that day and settled down all the rest.

But there was no book fair anymore. Instead, the sidewalks were empty and the rain kept on washing them in silence.

She turned at the corner and looked up at the hotel. A small, discreet one. Was there someone in up on the second floor? In their bedroom. She didn't cast a glance at the window and turned around instead. He hadn't sent her a single message since he had left for Texas. Fair yet cruel somehow.

She was heading back to the subway station when she felt her cell phone vibrate in her bag. Her heart pounding suddenly loud, she stopped in the middle of the street and grabbed the item. It had to be him. It would be a sign. One of these that meant so much in one's life.

_We have some guests tonight._

_Be home at 6pm._

_Pick up a red dress._

_Stan_

Disappointment invaded her face, spread from her chin to the core of her eyes. She swallowed hard and without a gaze behind, Karen started walking again. Sad. Vaguely alive.


	18. Not Too Late

**Chapter eighteen – Not Too Late**

**I've seen people try to change,**

**And I know it isn't easy,**

**But nothin' worth the time really is**

**Not Too Late – Norah Jones**

She hit the wall and bumped into a pile of magazines that had been abandoned on the floor a long while ago. The pages brushed her ankles, pushing against her shoes while sliding down, but she couldn't care less. Actually, all her senses were focused on the way his hand had grabbed her waist. And his lips on hers, an eager kiss. Something was being released, a sort of pressure that finally made it out and none of them could control it anymore.

"Not here."

The words floated in the air through her breathless voice as soon as he broke apart and began to kiss her neck instead. A few minutes more and she would send all the rest to hell, abdicating to his touch. A bit taken aback, he plunged his brown eyes in her hazel ones and frowned, waiting for an explanation.

She motioned the room behind them then shrugged. It would always be like that anyway. They knew it.

"What if she comes back? What if someone arrives?"

She wanted to caress the single inch of his naked skin immediately but there were too many risks. They couldn't do that. Not now. She didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Then come away with me. Take your day off... I haven't seen you in over a week, Kare."

There again. He had said it, this nickname that nobody but him ended up using. He knew that she could not resist when he told it. For whatever reason. It went straight to her head and made her feel dizzy. So disarmed.

Karen swallowed hard and cast a glance at the clock on the opposite wall. Grace would be back within a few minutes now. Unless the traffic was bad...

"Not today. I can't. I have to work on the database and Grace needs it. How about tonight?"

She had a dinner with Stanley but couldn't care less. It would take five seconds to cancel then she could change her plans, actually got real ones. Perhaps for the whole night. Will had landed the day before in a so-called indifference hiding a lot more to her own eyes. The truth was that she was ecstatic yet very scared. Nervous. A bad feeling floating around.

"My father is in town. He has booked a table for the two of us. Actually, his assistant will be there too. How about you join us? Then, afterward, we could finish the night at some more intimate place..."

She couldn't help scoffing yet feeling a rush of heat run up her cheeks. Not for the mischievous remark but all the rest. He couldn't be serious.

"I am not your girlfriend. Yet you took me to your parents' one weekend without Jack and Grace, don't you think that it is enough for the moment? I... My presence at this dinner wouldn't make sense."

"I am an attorney. You have already required my services. We could have to meet to discuss further... A couple of other things."

His fingertip ran along her collarbone. She hated his arrogance, the way he seemed to always be over a thousand things. The way he looked superior suddenly. He looked like her by then and she didn't really like having to face such a reflection of her personality.

"I will think about it. Now if you excuse me..."

She passed by him, poured herself a mug of coffee then headed back to her desk. Her lips were aching for his. Ridiculous sensation and got on her nerves but it was there and she couldn't pretend the exact opposite.

Just as planned, Grace stormed in a few sketches in hand and a couple of bags from different stores. There was something light about her that made Karen quietly green with envy. She was younger. It must have been that or something close to it. Besides, she wasn't married and therefore was free. Yet she did not measure her chance.

"Oh don't tell me you stopped to have lunch with me, Will. I am busy like a bee today. I only stopped a minute or two to buy a bagel and that's it. Actually, Karen, I would appreciate it if you went to buy me a couple of sandwiches and all. I am starving!"

A bit reluctantly to go out and face the chilly wind of October, Karen simply rolled her eyes but stood up then grabbed her coat. She wanted to smoke anyway and Grace wouldn't allow her to do so there if only by the window.

"Oh and... Do you have any plan tonight? I might go to the movies. If you want to join me..."

The offer stopped her in her tracks and Chanel bag in hand, Karen stared at Grace in disbelief. It never happened. Grace never came up with that. It was the first time and she felt touched by the gesture.

"Actually..."

Karen paused and passed her tongue over her lips. Her body was asking for nicotine. She was hungry. Stanley wanted her to come back home and share a dinner with him. Will had invited her and all of a sudden it was too much.

"I have a dinner with my attorney."

Karen felt bad, immensely bad and preferred to avoid Will's eyes before the implicit acceptance to go with him to the restaurant in the evening. Was he looking at her? Was he smiling? She hoped he wasn't. Nobody should have been allowed to feel happy right now.

"Oh... That is fine. How about tomorrow night, then?"

Will wasn't her attorney or at least not officially. Grace couldn't guess. Yet Karen felt immensely guilty. Swallowing hard, she nodded and forced a smile.

"That would be perfect, honey."


	19. Be My Somebody

**Chapter nineteen – Be My Somebody**

**So be my somebody tonight,**

**Be the one who'll hold me tight,**

**Honey, please, please,**

**Cuz I've been all so alone,**

**And no one will pick up the phone,**

**So honey, please stay**

**Be My Somebody – Norah Jones**

His lips touched her bare shoulder and she smiled, turned round to face him. The shirt he had lent her a few minutes earlier had slid down along her arm but she hadn't bothered to put it back properly. Instead she had preferred to keep on staring at New York through the window of his bedroom. Huddled on the old leather armchair, her eyes had fed themselves of the thousand lights piercing through the night.

He had headed to the kitchen for a bottle of white wine and had made it back with two glasses in hand. She accepted the one he handed her and took a sip before looking back at the city. Except now all she could see was Will's reflection in the window. The way his eyes were looking for hers quietly.

"Can I stay for the night?"

In a world made of dreams, she wouldn't have had to ask but their reality tended to be different. There was nothing explicit enough at times. Biting her lower lip as she felt a wave of heat rush up her cheeks, Karen waited for his answer. Almost nervously. She was fine with him, in his arms. She didn't want to go back to her place and try to find some sleep in her lonely bed. She didn't want to be cold that night.

"I never want you to go away."

The confession took her aback, slightly. His reply was ambiguous but in a beautiful way that made her smile. They had time. For once, there wasn't an event or a person susceptible to break their plans. Jack had gone to a club with a new date when Grace had headed to her parents' place for the weekend. They had been left alone together, one more time. As if it were fate or was it at least what Karen imagined in her head.

"But one day..."

He stopped her with another kiss on her shoulder. This time, his hands slid on her waist to firmly hold her. Asking her implicitly to remain quiet. He wrapped his arms around her, from behind. Then rested his chin in the depths of her neck. The window sent back their reflection like a mirror. They were quite a nice couple seen like that. Together. Not so young anymore but nonetheless sweet, and serene.

"Don't talk about tomorrow."

They were alike. If there was something that she had learned since they had begun to sleep together, it was about all these similarities in their respective tempers. Same inabilities, same fears, same desires... It was reassuring and yet troubling. Because it didn't have to be. Nothing had to be.

"Why do you... Why me?"

She avoided the reflection of his gaze. Just in case. She didn't want to see the slightest sentiment of an unbearable surprise or a deep embarrassment betrayed by his brown eyes. She shouldn't have asked in the first place, perhaps.

His lips wandered from her neck to her jaw, traveling up slowly until they reached her ear. His breath was hot against her flesh. Comforting. She felt his smile, there. A quiet one.

"Because you are the one."

The murmur got lost in her head, making her heart beat faster within a few seconds. He couldn't have said that. He wasn't allowed to. Because it didn't belong to the lines they were sticking to. Trying to keep a normal breathing, Karen turned her head around but looked down at the floor at the last moment. She lacked courage to face him now.

"But..."

His arms left her. Suddenly, without any warning. She looked at him go to his bed and sit there. He put down the bottle on the nightstand and calmly sipped on his glass. As if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't made the slightest comment.

"Will."

He looked up at her. She liked the sound of his name on her lips, the way it hit the air and brought some sort of singular beauty to the scene. It was when she had that feeling that he was hers. And just hers. If only...

"Are you planning on spending the night on this armchair?"

She took a last sip of her wine before abandoning the glass on the floor and make it to the bed slowly. It was quiet. The building was quiet. The city was quiet. The world was quiet. Perfect.

"No, I prefer the warmth of your arms."

She passed her leg over his and straddled him before bending over to brush his lips with hers. Her eyes looked for his as her fingers played in his hair. She felt his hands on her hips.

"The warmth of your arms... Around me..."

She kissed him. Deeply, almost desperately. Until it hurt in her heart, some dark corner inside. Holding her tight, Will rolled on his side and passed a protective leg over hers. They broke apart.

"What were you doing with your nights before you got me?"

She smiled at his question but felt a veil of bitterness spread over her mind. She remembered the long hours in the dark, the foggy room of a VIP lounge. And the oppressive sensation to not be the right one. At the right place. Numbed in an ocean of alcohol and cigarettes.

"Yet I didn't "get" you... And... My nights were dull."

She had chosen honesty over all the rest. For no particular reason except she was talking to Will and it was safe. Perfectly safe.


	20. Broken

**Chapter twenty – Broken**

**I saw him stand alone... Under a broken street light**

**So sincere... Singing silent night**

**But the trees, they were full and the grass was green**

**It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen**

**Broken – Norah Jones**

It was one of these brownstones that cost a real fortune now. The kind of investment that even Stanley would have taken his time for before eventually conceding in it. Because it meant money and a lot of it.

Stanley. His name resounded loud in her head and all of a sudden everything came back, from his eyes to the words he had said. The ones that had been haunting her since then. She felt nauseous now, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He might have not alluded to it but retrospectively, she knew that it had been a ultimatum and she didn't know what to do but succumb to a frank panic. A disillusioned choice.

The music was too loud. The room plunged in a semi-darkness reminded her of one of these clubs she had had the bad idea to go to at times. In college, mostly. The promiscuity with strangers' bodies that moved to the rhythm of an electronic melody made her feel dizzy. She needed fresh air. And someone she knew as well. Grace, Jack and Will were nowhere to be seen. They had promised her that it would turn out to be an unforgettable Halloween but for the moment her husband's words were oppressive on her heart. and nobody tried to help her go out from the bitter endless circle she was trapped in.

She felt the hand first, sliding on her lower back and resting there. Then the lips, hot and moist against her neck. Karen restrained a shriek and turned around. He had taken out his Dracula teeth but in that semi-darkness, his makeup face looked livid. Almost scaring.

"Where have you been to?"

She sounded pissed off and she almost apologized. After all, it was a party and they were all free to go and meet other people. Under other circumstances, perhaps. Yes, if it hadn't been that evening then she would have accepted it. But not now. She couldn't afford it.

"You want to go out for a cigarette?"

She quietly thanked him for nonetheless being able to read through her eyes and noticed what she was I need of. Because she wouldn't say it. Never. It was constantly a guessing process with her and where a lot of people had lost patience, Will was doing very well.

The chilly air of October, 31st took her aback as they stepped out on the street and turned at the corner to have more intimacy. She hadn't taken a coat when leaving her mansion a few hours earlier. Nothing really matched her Vampire attire. The wind brushed her low-cut and she shivered, grabbing her pack of cigarettes from her little purse.

"Fuck!"

The lighter wouldn't work. The fragile flame vanishing in the night before she had a chance to light her cigarette. She let a sigh of exasperation come out then frowned, on the edge of throwing away the piece of plastic she was holding in her hand.

"Okay, what is wrong with you?"

She shouldn't have crossed his gaze. If she had simply avoided his brown eyes and focused on the light on the opposite sidewalk instead, nothing would have happened. Nothing would have changed. How many times would she play replay the scenario in her head?

"It is Stanley..."

Her voice sounded low, almost inaudible in the quietness of the night as the loud music found a stifled echo against their chests. It was a strange feeling, as if standing at the border of two different worlds.

"You went into an argument?"

Feeling the weight of guilt pass underneath her skin, Karen looked down at her feet and shook her head vehemently. Actually, her husband had rarely been that soft. Attentive. It was just that he had rushed in a dead-end path hoping that she would come along in spite of what it meant.

"He wants to have a child with me."

Subconsciously enough, she counted the seconds that separated her confession from his reply. Heavy, long seconds that seemed to last an eternity.

"That is great!"

His obvious enthusiasm hurt like an old wound someone would have opened back with a burning knife. Taken aback, she looked up at him and shook her head. In disbelief, astounded. He couldn't say that. Not Will. Not now.

"No, it isn't. I... I don't want to have a child with Stanley. What for? He already has two of them. This is not part of the plan. This is... This not what I want."

"But why do you want? I mean, you married Stanley. Having a family with your husband seems rather logical. I am sorry but... I don't understand you. What are you looking for exactly?"

"I don't know..."

He was pushing her and she hated that. This kind of behavior tended to make her panic and most of the times she always regretted the consequences. Words and feelings were dancing a dizzy waltz in her head right now. She could hear them hit against each other before exploding in a complete nonsense.

"Oh please, you must have something if only tiny. What do you want? Come on, say it!"

She wished she didn't hear herself let the words slide on her lips. If only a car or a truck could have been there in the street. Then it would have covered her voice and nothing would have happened. Never.

"You... I want you."

The moment she looked in Will's eyes, Karen knew that she had put herself alone in a dead-end path. A cruel one, besides. Her eyes fixed his lips and as soon as he opened his mouth, she simply waved him to stop then made a few steps backwards. She didn't want to hear his apologies, his stupid excuses. She didn't need them.

Feeling the tears rush to her eyes, she turned on her heels and paced towards the nearest avenue. It was crowded. The typical Halloween night in The Village lost in the echo of bottles of beer and laughter. A cab arrived, she hailed it and stepped inside.

"Dammit!"

A boiling anger reached her fist and she gave a hit against the door from the backseat. In frustration. In pain. Nothing made sense anymore anyway. She had messed it up again.

"Hey! You break, you pay."

Not replying to the driver's warning, she simply closed her eyes tight then leaned against the window as the tears began to run down her cheeks. Like sharp diamonds in the dark. Broken gems that had looked lovely once.


	21. Until The End

**Chapter twenty-one – Until The End**

**And through all the games,**

**We'll both stay the same,**

**As we've always been,**

**Through the fat and thin,**

**Until the End,**

**Until the End**

**Until The End, Norah Jones**

Every day she went to sit by the window and waited for the snow to come. The sky was gray and the clouds low but after long hours nothing never happened and she ended up leaving the room with such disappointment that she remained quiet. In an invisible darkness.

She dreaded the first snakes and yet boiled in anticipation before them. She was carrying vain hopes, a sort of better ending to something she didn't want to explain. Even less think about. The leaves of the trees had gone away far in the distance. It was time to turn the page, once and for all.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Grace Adler and I am an interior designer."

Grace's voice in her back made her slightly jump. With confusion, Karen stared at the hand her friend was tending. Who had opened the door to her? Who had done such a thing when she had asked to not let anyone come in?

"It has been three weeks since the last time you called in sick. Three weeks that you didn't give any sort of news... I assumed that perhaps you had forgotten me. Us, should I say."

Grace's smile didn't meet any echo on Karen's lips and the lightness of the words only came to die in a heavy silence. She wasn't in the mood for a talk. Even less for a joke. Moving uncomfortably while her eyes kept on staring intently at the fireplace of the library, Karen passed her tongue over her lips.

She had nothing to say to her friend. It might not have been nice but she didn't control it. There was a burning ache in her heart that prevented her from talking. Instinctively, she cast a glance at the table on her right then remembered that she had stopped smoking thus there wasn't any pack of cigarettes.

"What are you doing here?"

She had got used to her low voice but obviously and rather logically, the tone surprised Grace. It hadn't come up one day but little by little as she had plunged into an icy silence. As if the break given to her vocal cords had only brought low notes to it. Serious ones, almost lifeless.

"Let's start by check that you weren't dead. What is happening, Karen? You mysteriously disappeared on Halloween and never gave any sign afterward."

She hadn't responded to any of her messages left on the answering machines, even less the dozen of mails that Grace had sent over the past three weeks.

"Then you got it. I am breathing."

A chill ran down her spine and she grabbed a shawl to put it around her shoulders. It was getting cold, especially in the mansion. Too many rooms, too many doors and windows. Not enough life or laugh to compensate. At times she wondered if there was any difference living in a grave.

It is only once she found Grace's eyes stare into hers that she realized her friend had moved and come to kneel down in front of her. She seemed worried, almost hurt. Why? It didn't make sense. Nobody had ever cared about the fluctuations of her broken heart until then.

"Talk to me... Please, talk to me, Kare..."

The nickname made her jump slightly and burnt down harshly. Before she had time to control anything, the tears were running down her cheeks uncontrollably. If it took her aback, Grace didn't show it at all and opened her arms instead.

"Has something happened between you and Stanley? Have you learned some bad news?"

It was odd to bury her head in Grace's neck. Odd but comforting enough if she had to be honest. It was just that no words could come out. Everything kept on boiling inside and it had to stay there, devouring her own self with a meticulous pain.

For once she understood the importance and chance of being able to confide in someone. It eased and helped what she couldn't get done by herself.

"Stanley is fine and I am not dying. No... On the contrary, in fact. That has to be the irony."

She finally sat back on the armchair, drying her tears, but as she felt Grace's confused gaze on her, she preferred to stand up and pace the room nervously. Looking for something or at least pretend so. But soon enough she got tired to wander through the bookshelves and decided to lean against the window instead. Arms crossed on her chest.

"What do you mean?"

Grace's question was fair. Unfortunately.

"Nothing special... Just that I am living. And breathing, and all..."

She shrugged, swallowed hard. She hadn't eaten anything yet and felt dizzy. What time could it be? She had lost track of it at some point. Since she had known, probably.

"I want you to come back. Tomorrow. We all want you to come back. Please, think at least about it. If you are doing fine then your place is at my office and... In my life, too. It isn't the same without you. I miss you."

Her eyes abandoned the contemplation of Central Park for a few seconds but barely stopped on Grace. She didn't manage to look at her properly. Too many feelings. A ton of regrets. Sighing, she turned her head back to the trees outside only to witness the first snow flakes falling down. There it was. Finally. For a few seconds she pondered her feelings, the ones alimenting her heart.

It hadn't changed the slightest thing.

"The winter has come. It is all over now... The fall has gone away. It is over."


	22. Little Room

**Chapter twenty-two – Little Room**

**But if we stick together**

**Then I know we'll be ok**

**'Cause when it gets too cold outside**

**This room is where we'll stay**

**Little Room – Norah Jones**

Her heart was beating loud to the point it hurt against her chest as the minutes were passing by. What if he showed up? What if he passed the door and she found back his eyes looking in hers? They wouldn't talk because she had made her own choice and he wouldn't know. Yet she wasn't sure that she would be able to properly face him either. All these endless wonders made her feel dizzy and instinctively Karen took a bottle of pills out of her bag then let slide two of them in the palm of her hand.

Blue ones. Perhaps they had another effect but they would numb the pain if only for a while. With one of these well-known motions, she opened her mouth and felt the medicine against her tongue. A matter of seconds, no more. She spilled them out back in her hand before throwing them away in a basket. It made Grace frown, confused by the scene. But if Karen hoped that her friend would remain quiet over it, she quickly gave up on it as she saw a wide smile spread on Grace's lips.

"What is wrong with them? Do they taste different now?"

Karen stood up and went to pour some water in her mug. She was thirsty and felt tired. Perhaps it had not been such a good idea to come to the office. Yet she had thought about it over and over. But then it had seemed better than spending one more minute in the mansion. In a cold, quiet room by some lonely fireplace.

"My doctor asked me to slow down on them."

This time, Grace laughed frankly. A bit taken aback, Karen turned around to look at her then realized it was a logical reaction. Just the side effects of a behavior she had worked on for too long.

"And you are following what he told you to do?"

She wished the phone had rung, that someone had passed the door or that the world had stopped. Any kind of event that would have allowed her to escape from an uncomfortable moment. But of course it all remained the same and in vain, she shrugged before turning on her heels.

"Sometimes you just don't have a choice."

"Are you alright?"

Grace sounded preoccupied. Somehow it was a nice, warm feeling on her heart but for some reason, it didn't seem right. Feeling the heat rush up her cheeks, Karen cleared her voice and nodded. She didn't look convincing but it was all she could come up with.

"I am fine, honey. Don't be worried. It is just a matter of time. I... I just need a period of adjustment."

"To what?"

Grace was talkative and right now, she hated that. She didn't want to speak, even less about that. Maybe because there was nothing to speak about in the first place if she thought about it. It was just a waste of time.

"My life."

"What..."

"Don't you have work, Grace?"

She had been harsh. Exactly what she dreaded in the first place. She waved a hand in apologies before turning the computer on. She needed to focus on something, anything. Or the tears would come out.

"Will you come home this evening, for dinner? Will wants to prepare some lasagna."

She had to mention his name. Not that she could have guessed but still. The sound of it floated in the air for too long and she swallowed hard. Panicking. The truth was that she was dying to see him again yet she could already feel the shame creep inside herself. Because of what had happened on Halloween and all the rest. How come it had gone so wrong, so suddenly?

Absentmindedly, Karen looked down and after a few seconds realized that she was staring at the leather bracelet. Several times she had grabbed a pair of scissors, taken a deep breath and gone to cut it off but she hadn't been able to do so. A broken heart, like a ridiculous teenager while she was thirty-eight years old.

"I don't know. I... I am tired and I might need to have some rest, tonight. I will see what I can do."

She wouldn't go because she lacked courage to face him. To face the hundred spots in the apartment, all these places where they had kissed. And more... What had she been thinking by then? She was married, for Christ's sake. And he was a friend, her friend's gay best friend. It should never have happened in the first place.

"I made a mistake these past two months. A big one... Nobody is dead but... I still have to deal with it and it is tough at times."

The words had come up by themselves, not too harshly. But they nonetheless kept on burning her lips as Grace was staring at her a bit confused yet calm. She couldn't say more about it and wouldn't do so. A furtive relief somehow. Almost.

"I am sorry and I hope that you will overcome it. If you ever need to talk about it, I am here."

Karen nodded but all of a sudden felt immensely lonely. For no particular reason except she missed him way too much. His arms around her, his voice against her ear, his kisses on her lips. His caresses... She had ridiculously fallen for a fling, like the novice she was not. But now it was all over and there was nothing left of her time with Will.


	23. Not My Friend

**Chapter twenty-three – Not My Friend **

**Help me breathe,**

**Help me believe,**

**You seem really glad that I am sad.**

**You are not my friend,**

**I cannot pretend that you are.**

**Not My Friend – Norah Jones**

The water was cold on her hands and it made her shiver if only for a few seconds. The entrance door got slammed and she couldn't look up. Panicked. Quietly, she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her lips were shaking. Her face was too pale. She felt nauseous suddenly but it was too late to ever come backwards. She couldn't escape. By cowardice she had followed Grace to Riverside Drive for dinner and Will had just come back from work. She could even hear his voice a few steps away. It hurt.

Reluctantly, she stepped out of the bathroom and forced a smile on her lips as she accepted the glass of wine that Jack was handed her. Yet she didn't sip it. She wasn't thirsty and her stomach wouldn't allow her to get any drink. Too much anxiety. And all the rest, of course...

Will was in the kitchen, his back turned at him. Without saying a word, she went to sit down at the old table. She even had her own chair. How long did it take for someone to fall into such habits? A couple of seconds when everything seemed right. So right. And then he turned around, froze as he saw her.

"Back from the dead?"

She wouldn't forget his question. The first sentence he told her since the Halloween party. And it would stay there, in her heart. No mattered how ridiculous it was. Light and fake. Yet under control. Trying to hide her nervousness, Karen played with her fork and rolled her eyes. They had done that a hundred if not a thousand times. It wasn't that hard.

"Unlike one part of your anatomy, I suppose. Still desperately single? And thus sarcastic."

Could they be back on track just like that? Without any face-to-face in private. Yet she had nothing to tell him and somehow she preferred to turn the page if only falsely. Jack planted a kiss on her cheek, a bit warmly. She smiled at him and took his hand in hers in return. He had missed her and somehow his lightness was welcome in her current lonely life. He wouldn't solve anything yet he wouldn't do harm.

"Your husband has required to see me first thing in the morning. I didn't know that _The Rainbow Room _took reservations for breakfast."

"They take reservation at any hour for Stanley Walker."

Stanley hadn't told her about his meeting with Will. As a matter of fact, they hadn't talked that much for a while about anything. She had left him there, with this family request pending. Cruelly.

"So where were you that you didn't give any sign of life these past few weeks? Though you are just in time for Thanksgiving. It is at Will's parents' place this year. You will come, right?"

Jack looked like a little child. All excited, almost bouncing around. Unless he was just scared that she could leave one more time. Definitely, perhaps.

"I don't know..."

The last time she had gone to Connecticut, she had played a strange role out there. A so-called friend a few people knew. But what was she supposed to be in the end? Right now absolutely nothing. Or too much, on the contrary. Way too much.

"Please come. My parents will be happy to see you again."

They would change their mind soon. If she didn't remain quiet. But for the moment and because a veil of fatigue was spreading over her mind, she simply nodded and settled more properly at the table for the dinner. Everything went rather smoothly. Apart from a few awkward gazes exchanged with Will, it went very well and little by little she began to relax. Perhaps they could actually turn the page like that. Almost as naturally as everything had occurred. It was an odd feeling.

...

"Karen!"

She hated when someone called her name like that in the street. It was a deep moment of shame and a bit embarrassed, she tried to ignore the passers-by's gazes on her. Thankfully enough, this time it was late and only a few people were walking on the sidewalks. Slowly, she turned around and looked how Will ran after her. She had been about to hail a cab then head back to The Upper East Side. It had been a long day and she was exhausted. Physically and mentally.

"You forgot this..."

She looked at his hand and couldn't help blushing. In a furtive gesture, she grabbed the bottle and put it in the pocket of her coat. Mumbling some inaudible words supposed to thank him.

"What are you doing with these vitamins?"

"I need them. My... My doctor prescribed them to me."

Will nodded. Yet he seemed confused but he didn't insist. Instead, he passed a hand in his hair and had a look on the other side of the street. Embarrassed. He looked embarrassed suddenly.

"Listen, Kare... I don't know how to tell you that and yet I know it is not the right place to do so but... I still think that you should know now. I mean, I don't want you to find out by yourself or something."

"Finding what?"

He had said her nickname. One more time. It was strange for it belonging to an intimacy they did not share anymore. It sounded wrong and terribly bitter.

"There will be someone else for Thanksgiving. It... It is Michael. Michael will be there, with me."


	24. The Sun Doesn't Like You

**Chapter twenty-four – The Sun Doesn't Like You**

**And time won't pass us by,**

**And you won't tell me lies,**

**Someday we all have to die... But not now.**

**The Sun Doesn't Like You – Norah Jones**

He was good-looking and awfully nice. An aura of seduction enveloped the least of his gestures and it was hard to not fall for him, if only bewitched. Michael. A name she had heard too many times to not know what it meant. And now she could stare directly into his gray eyes to only understand one thing: he belonged with Will. Cruelly enough, perhaps. But it was an evidence she couldn't discard.

"Do you want one?"

Marilyn's voice took her out of her wonders and she slowly abandoned the blank contemplation of the rain falling down the French windows to turn around and shake her head at her host. Politely enough. Arms crossed against her chest. She wasn't cold but needed the warmth of a pair of arms around her frame. A lot more than the usual, for whatever reason.

"I have stopped smoking."

Marilyn raised an eyebrow in disbelief but didn't insist and lit one cigarette while leaning on the door that led to the backyard. They had arrived earlier in the morning after a long, smooth ride. Michael had showed up a bit later and from then on Karen had initiated a game of hide-and-seek with everyone. She wasn't fine. And didn't feel like pretending the opposite either.

"Now this is something that I never managed to do myself. Do you want a drink?"

She had showed up with two glasses of whiskey. The golden shade of the drink almost lost itself in the dark, expensive hardwood floor as Karen looked down at it. But she shook her head and bit her lower lip instead.

"I am afraid that I can't accept this. I am on medication right now."

Marilyn shrugged and put down the alcohol on a shelf. She looked exactly the same as the last time, a mask of perfection trying to hide an old sorrow. A lot of people had invaded her house and yet she had this gaze of the absent ones. As if she had stopped caring for a very long while now.

"How come? What are you taking?"

A glass got broken in the background, followed by laughter. Marilyn barely turned around to look at where the sound came from. Someone would clean it anyway. Someone always did.

"Rainbow Light..."

Marilyn grabbed an ashtray and laughed lightly as she abandoned her consumed cigarette in it. There was something beautiful about her. She had graceful features, the charms of the pretty girl that once had got married and drawn a line under some secret dreams. Had she ever worked? Karen doubted so.

"Oh, I used to take them when..."

And then she stopped, astonished. Before looking up at Karen with confusion. Not finding the words, Karen simply nodded to answer to the implicit question. Marilyn took a deep breath, and looked aside.

"Do they make you nauseous as they used to do for me?"

Crossing her arms even tighter on her chest, Karen nodded and swallowed hard. She felt like crying for feeling so lonely. Desperate. If even in a house full of children and laughter like the Truman's she could not manage to find a semblance of life in her heart, how would she be able to do so later when she wouldn't have a choice?

"It is only a matter of time. Then your body will adapt itself to them... God, how glad I am that it is all over for me, now! Good luck, though."

The encouragements surprised Karen. This was unusual. Unexpected and didn't suit the moment at all. But all of a sudden Will appeared, stepping out of the living-room two glasses of red wine in hand, and headed to them lightly.

"Here you are, Karen. I was looking for you. Take this and come with me in the living. We are having a conversation about Renaissance painting and I am sure that you will be able to bring us some light on certain points. You know a lot about Italian art."

He had turned the page with an easiness that made her green with envy but in an effort to prove that she could do just like him, she played along in public. It hurt inside but the words nonetheless came out and she could fool anyone. Even in their lies, Will was leading the dance and she succumbed hopelessly. It was a bitter realization but there it was and she couldn't ignore it completely.

…

The water was fresh on her throat but not enough to reduce the nausea. She was sweating, the beats of her heart bumping against her chest as she desperately tried to catch her breath. Why did it always have to happen in the middle of the night? Then she was exhausted in the morning. She hated that. Quietly, she opened the door of the bathroom only to come and face Will. She jumped, stifled a scream. He had scared her in the quietness of his parents' home.

"I am sorry, I didn't know that you were in there."

She dismissed his excuse with a gesture of the hand and forced a smile. Except her legs were shaking now and she really wasn't fine. Casually enough, she leaned the palm of her hand against the wall of the bathroom and swallowed hard. If it went on like that, she would pass out.

"Things have been hectic today and well... You know, even before... But... I would like us to talk, Kare. Maybe once we are back to New York. There are things I need to tell you and I can't go on like that... I can't. Not with you."

She was about to reply when it happened. A sharp pain in her stomach that made her open her mouth wildly as she bent over and stifled a scream. Will caught her immediately, pushing her back inside before closing the door behind them.

"What is happening? Karen, are you alright? Are you sick?"

Trying to catch her breath, she looked up at him with scare. She didn't know what was happening yet it was surely not supposed to be. Tears of frank panic began to roll up in her eyes and only as she tried to make a few steps towards the sink did she felt it. Sticking, warm, sliding down her legs. Immediately, she looked down at her feet. Blood. She was bleeding.

"I am dying..."

Her fragile voice resounded low in the bathroom. Panicked. Covered by her tears. Adopting the shades of a question over the traditional form of an affirmation.


	25. In The Morning

**Chapter twenty-five – In The Morning**

**Dark like the shady corners**

**Inside a violin**

**Hot like to burn my lips**

**I know I can't win**

**In the morning**

**Baby, in the afternoon**

**In The Morning – Norah Jones**

"Oh honey, don't be ridiculous. You know how much I hate walking. No... I am going to stay here and have a Brandy by the fireplace like the drunken lady I am."

An implacable smile on her lips seemed enough to reassure Jack who left the library rather lightly. He had people to focus on, like some cousin of Will. Somehow it was almost too easy to dismiss him. As she abandoned the contemplation of the fireplace, Karen locked her eyes with Grace's who was by the door. Arms crossed against her chest. Yet this time she was waiting for Will's answer. It wasn't her turn anymore.

"I have some files to work on and some clients to call. Please, feel free to go."

Grace winced and turned around, obviously eager to find back Sam. Will's brother. They had spent the night together once. Probably a mistake or a once in a lifetime thing but for some reason she could not turn the page properly. Perhaps in her head, it went further than a mere fling.

"You didn't have to do that. I am doing fine, now."

The previous night had been surreal. In the silence of the house, they had left for the hospital and made it back in the early morning, only a few hours before everyone waking up. Thus nobody knew about it. Nobody knew that it was over.

They hadn't talked that much. Taking her new medication, Karen had gone to bed and surprised Will as she had appeared a few hours later in the living-room. As if nothing had happened. No miscarriage, no tears welling up in her eyes and even less blood running down her legs. She could say that it scared him and a couple of times, she had caught up his gaze. Wondering how she could so easily pretend. She had no idea how. It just came up, almost instinctively. And it would be their secret. An odd, awkward one.

"You can go and take a nap, if you want. Everyone is leaving the house for a walk in the woods. They won't be back before five."

Restraining a yawn, Karen shook her head and laid down on the couch instead. Her eyes staring at the flames intently. She didn't want to go upstairs and remain alone in her bed. As a matter of fact, she did not want to close her eyes. Just in case. A thousand emotions were rushing through her heart right now but it was all blurry. Too blurry.

"No... I am fine, here."

The entrance door got slammed and soon enough they got wrapped up by silence, just like the previous night. It was an odd, uncomfortable reminiscence.

"Are you in pain?"

He didn't have to be attentive like that. Actually, he should have gone out with his family instead of this or eventually go back to New York in the morning with Michael. But no. He had stayed there and was preoccupied now.

"No... I am fine."

And she was if it weren't for this sentiment of emptiness that had invaded her since the early morning. She hadn't talked about her pregnancy to anyone yet. Good thing, obviously. Marilyn had guessed but it was a detail. Anyway, she didn't see her very often. Yet she couldn't understand why she had let her know in the first place. Odd instinct.

"Perhaps you should call Stanley..."

"What for? He didn't know. Yet he didn't have anything to do with it anyway."

As the doctor had alluded to the conception date, a chill had run down her spine and she had felt a few tears flirt with her eyes. Only a few ones but that had burnt a lot more than a torrent of cries. And then it had come up by itself. The silence over it. The confusion she sank in as she thought about a way she could tell him. She would have lied then pretend to go in labor earlier. If she had kept it. Nothing had been sure. Nothing at all. Nature had chosen for her in spite of all.

"Are you... Are you sure?"

Will's question took her aback and she dared a look of disbelief towards him before settling back on the couch. Who did he think she was? Just because she had slept with him didn't mean that she had made it with most of New York men. On the contrary. He had been the one and would always be.

She heard him stand up behind and within a few seconds, he had knelt down to look into her eyes. She didn't want that. Not now. Never if possible. What would it change, anyway? It was over now.

"I had assumed that you were on the pill. You should have told me that..."

"I was."

Karen rolled her eyes then shrugged. Her mouth was dry and something hurt in her throat. But no, she wouldn't cry. Not now. She wouldn't do that. Taking a deep breath, she cleared her voice.

"I was but... I don't know. Apparently it didn't work out."

His reaction surprised her but as he stood up and went back to his seat, she almost thanked him for not insisting now. She was tired. Too tired for such a thing. Such a conversation. And slowly enough, she simply closed her eyes before losing herself in blank dreams.

She didn't feel it when Will covered her body of a blanket. Protectively.


	26. Be Here To Love Me

**Chapter twenty-six – Be Here To Love Me**

**Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine**

**Though you and I both know it's only the warm glow of wine**

**That's got you to feeling this way, but I don't care,**

**I want you to stay**

**And hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today**

**Be Here To Love Me – Norah Jones**

His lips were soft. And warm, perfect against her own ones. Soon enough, she found back his tongue but the eagerness they had used once had disappeared. Instead, a veil of timidity seemed to have spread over them and it made everything sweet. Different. Was it a new beginning? She secretly hoped so yet knew how thin the chances were actually.

She felt his smile in her mouth. She had awfully missed it. Just like his hands that were now running on her waist, teasing her lower back playfully. There were a thousand reasons for which she knew that she shouldn't have done that but a single one resulted enough to balance it all in the other direction: it was Will. And he was back to her.

As they finally broke apart, she let a nervous laugh escape. It was all she could come up with to hide an odd shyness that had wrapped her up. Her cheeks were hot, she could feel it. Blushing, probably. But also on the verge to break into tears.

"Let's go somewhere else. It is cold, outside."

She let him take her hand then lead her through the paths of Central Park. At no moment they had said that it would be a date. They had just settled down a day after coming back from Connecticut. Then he had showed up and bent over to kiss her. Of course it had surprised her but she hadn't protested. Mainly because she had been dying for it. No mattered what it meant, no mattered what had happened.

"Let's go get some tea, then. You are right. It is a chilly day."

And Christmas was coming. Besides the snow, red and green lights seemed to have spread over the city as exhilarating smiles were growing on passers-by's faces. Soon enough the tree would make it to the Rockfeller Center and for a few weeks the world would look different. Abrupt sometimes but mostly, if not just, tempting.

They headed to the Theater District, halfway between their respective places and because they could get lost among tourists. Almost no chance to walk in on someone they knew. New Yorkers rarely went to Times Square in the middle of a Saturday afternoon.

"How do you feel?"

A loud Italian family was sat at the table next to theirs, the exoticism of their accent and the singing of their words filled the coffee shop of life. And sun, something fresh and warm. She loved it and simply shrugged at Will.

"It was just a miscarriage. It isn't big deal... It happens very often, you know."

"You... You wanted to keep it?"

Will's reaction to it took her aback. He knew that the child would have been his yet he seemed to keep a distance with all of this. Not necessarily as if he wasn't assuming anything but because he didn't know how she wanted him to behave before it.

"No... I mean... No, I don't think so. I... I don't know."

She had never been able to take the decision. She could have lied to Stanley and pretend it was his but then guilt always ended up wrapping her up and she froze, thinking about Will. It wasn't fair to hide the truth from him. Somehow she was relieved that it had all ceased to be, naturally.

"I want a child. I have always wanted a child. This is actually one of the reasons why I broke up with Michael in the first place. He didn't want a family."

"Did he change his mind?"

He had kissed her and she hadn't pushed him away yet she perfectly knew that he was seeing Michael. It was clear enough, even though he rarely mentioned it. Actually, she hadn't had a chance to see him yet here in New York. His work seemed to keep him rather busy.

"We all do at some points, don't we?"

She raised an eyebrow, rather unconvinced. His words hurt because he didn't make things clear when she lacked the courage to ask him to do so. Instead, he lost himself into a game of so-called subtle words. Various expressions. And it worked. As it had always done.

"I rarely do."

"That is because you aren't like the others. You have never been like the others... You have your very own world, Kare. And it makes it all at the end."

The waitress brought their teas along with some gingerbread men. Karen grabbed one, observed it then smiled softly. She had baked some as a child. Probably one of the only memories she was eager to keep in mind from the past. Delicately, she broke one in two with her hands before bringing a piece to her mouth. It was still hot, coming straight out of the oven.

"So it is a good thing that I don't fit in?"

She was flirting with him. She had just had a miscarriage, she was married, he was dating someone else and yet she couldn't help going for it. Staring intently into his eyes, measuring every single gesture of her hands. The way her tongue passed over her lips. He had hurt him a lot more than any person she had met yet she went back to him. Inexorably.

"That what makes you unique."


	27. What Am I To You

**Chapter twenty-seven – What Am I To You**

**What am I to you**

**Tell me darling true**

**To me you are the sea**

**Vast as you can be**

**And deep the shade of blue**

**What Am I To You – Norah Jones**

"How is it to get married?"

She burst out laughing until she realized that Grace was serious. Then, her voice subsided and her smile ended up freezing. Her heart beating fast and loud in her chest. There was nothing funny. Certainly not in the question and even less in the answer.

"Why are you asking me that? I mean... Why now?"

The office had been awfully quiet for over an hour now. Grace had several commands and barely got it all together at once. Too busy to talk. Too focused for the slightest thing. And all of a sudden, she came up with this. It had showed up without any warning, taking her aback completely.

"I am not talking about the wedding in itself but life afterward. How is it?"

Karen had nothing to say about it. She had married three times and failed all along. To the point of lies and affairs. Miscarriages. She wasn't the right person to allude to a happy marriage. In her head, it was all about money and contracts. Appointments with your lawyers as soon as you had doubts. Children on your way, looking at you as if you would never belong to the place. To their lives. Getting married was bitter and probably one of the biggest mistake of her life.

"It is about strategies."

Obviously her reply troubled Grace. She couldn't blame her. She hadn't alluded to feelings or emotions. Only a cold, bare and impersonal word. As if bitterness had reduced her chances of happiness to some absolute zero. It was sad somehow but the truth was that she didn't care that much either.

"Now I wasn't expecting that. But what do you mean, exactly?"

How could she know? Her life didn't make sense anymore, especially when with Stanley. Yet the words had come up by themselves, probably sticking to a reality she could hardly explain. She had seen Will the day before in Brooklyn. They had made love. Did it mean that they started it all over again? It was a hopeless thought yet she loved it more than anything.

"Well, you know... Like in compromises. It isn't funny every day."

"But it is still worth the price, no? Or nobody would get married."

She had stifled a scream while reaching her climax the day before. Pressed against the wall, squeezing his waist with her legs as he had been holding her tight there. Will. Were they involved in an affair? It sounded stupid enough from her but she still couldn't put the word on whatever they were living. It did not make her blush, though. On the contrary. The reminiscence aroused her and she smiled brightly.

"I am afraid that you will have to find your entertainment somewhere else, Gracie."

She shouldn't have said that because at that exact moment, her friend frowned and shook her head, a bit lost. Perhaps it didn't fit the character but Karen had never imagined of being unfaithful. Boredom was an option but then you had divorce. Certainly not lovers and afternoon hotel rooms. Yet she had turned out to be one of them. Because was it really different from it?

_No, of course not..._

"Are you telling me that you are seeing someone else? That you... That you... You know."

She still could lie, it wouldn't be the first time. Nervously and awkwardly enough, she simply didn't go for a reply. Instead, she stood up and headed for a mug of coffee. She hadn't drunk alcohol yet since her miscarriage. She didn't feel like too, oddly enough. Time would probably heal and then she would head back into the numbed world she had lost herself into once.

"Who told you that I was getting entertained?"

And she was not. No. As a matter of fact, what she felt went beyond a mere couple of hours out of her house and in someone's arms. She felt alive. Exhilarated, hurt, in doubt, happy. A whole series of these feelings she had thought lost forever since such a long time.

Will made her feel alive. In every single sense of the word. And she loved that.

"I understand that you don't necessarily go at it every day with Stanley but still. I mean..."

"Honey, marriage isn't about sex. If this is what you want then I suggest you to remain single and go from a relationship to another. Marriage brings other things along but certainly not that."

The phone rang, putting thus a relieving end to a conversation that was slowly sliding down a road she didn't like that much. A bit disarmed, she looked at Grace take the call before finally relaxing against the wall; mug of coffee in hand. If she had never liked talking about herself, it was obviously getting a lot worse now that she was sleeping with Will.

He had seen Michael the evening before. She knew it because he had told him. Just like that, with such a lightness that for a couple of seconds, Karen had wondered if this all wasn't just a lie. How could he be sleeping with her and within the next hour go to someone else for the exact same thing? Not that she did better with Stanley but at least they were not intimate anymore. So it came to another degree if only in her head.

What was she to Will exactly? And what was he to her in return? Confused and embarrassed, she went for her coffee instead. Drinking away the constant questions that were now haunting her mind.


	28. The Prettiest Thing

**Chapter twenty-eight – The Prettiest Thing**

**So why does it seem**

**Like a picture**

**Hanging up on someone else's wall**

**Lately I just haven't been myself at all**

**It's heavy on my mind**

**The Prettiest Thing – Norah Jones**

They had met in the morning in Brooklyn. It had been the first time that they had headed to the hotel so early but their schedule was tight and they wouldn't have time later during the day. The gray light of a cold weekend had pierced through the window, embracing the curtain, and Karen had lost herself in the contemplate of his skin. It looked bare, abrupt and unique. It had been different.

Then as she had dressed back, he had walked to her from behind and brushed her neck with pearls. She had seen his reflection in the large mirror of the bedroom a few feet ahead. He had kissed her shoulder then adjusted the necklace.

_Merry Christmas_

She had passed her tongue over her lips, taken aback. Not knowing what to say. Her heart had begun to beat faster as his fingers had brushed her skin at the edge of her thoracic cage. She hadn't blushed but a bit overwhelmed, had simply hold her breath before locking her eyes with his. It had barely lasted more than a few seconds but as she had left afterward, she had known that it would turn out to be a moment that she wouldn't forget in her life. There hadn't been a word. Just the heat of his fingers on her shivering, pale skin. And her eyes plunged in his.

The rest of the day had flown away in a sort of haze and she had waited impatiently by the fireplace of the library the right time to leave for the Christmas party he was hosting. There would be many people; and food, and loud music. Christmas was within three days but Will and Grace had insisted to have such a party. For a change, in order to break down the routine.

And there she was now, among a crowd of people she didn't know that well but nourished her of some life strength and she had rarely felt prouder. At the right place. She belonged to a sphere, all of a sudden; and it had nothing to do with New York socialite hypocrisy.

She had barely had a couple of glasses of wine when the door opened. She regretted instantly to not have plunged into a stronger drink. Then perhaps the scene would have been too numbed so she could see it. Or give importance to it. Standing by the French windows of the terrace, Karen stared at Michael come in. How Will abandoned whoever he had been talking to to go and hug him tight. For too long. Yet they hadn't kissed.

She took a sip of her wine. And so what? They didn't have to kiss to let people figure it all out. It was evident enough like that. But she couldn't help it. The pain came from her stomach only to embrace her heart coldly. And it hurt. It hurt so much that she could barely breathe.

"How are you doing, lonely girl?"

Jack leaned his chin on her shoulder and turned his head around to look at her. Smiling lightly as usual. Except this time, she didn't get it and a bit defeated, she simply swallowed hard before biting her lower lip.

"Not that well, I am afraid."

In order to focus on something else than Will's hand on Michael's lower back, she turned around on her heels and leaned against the wall. A long sip of wine burned her throat, unless it had to do with the tears she was trying to hold back.

"He will come back to you eventually. Don't be worried."

Completely taken aback, she jerked her head around and frowned at Jack. It went beyond confusion, a sort of complete incomprehension actually. Silently, she shook her head and waited for an explanation. Jack simply shrugged. He looked embarrassed and oddly serious for once.

"The way you look at him... The way he looks at you... It doesn't take very long to figure it out. Yet this is why I tell you that he will come back."

And as if to accompany his words, he turned his face around to look at Will who was laughing loud on the other end of the room with Michael and another couple.

"How..."

She didn't feel uncomfortable but troubled. Dizzy and lost as if she had suddenly landed in another kind of world that wouldn't make a lot of sense. It was scaring, somehow.

"I have friends in Brooklyn. I saw you there once, and if you hadn't been stepping out of this hotel hand in hand then I would have called your name or run after you. You know... The classic thing. But instead I followed you to the train station. I was curious. I saw you kiss on the platform and this is when... This is when it made sense. All the rest... And it isn't a fling. You love him, don't you?"

All of a sudden, she felt the pearls turn cold on her neck and if it weren't for the strong desire to pass a tad unnoticed, she would have pulled on it and broken it right away. It was heavy on her skin, like the hand of reality that had a grip on her just to remind her that she was living in a fuzzy dream and it had to stop soon enough. She looked down at her feet.

"I can't... I am married."

Her remark made Jack laugh quietly. He cleared his voice though not to win time because he seemed to know way too well what kind of words to use. Then perhaps it was for her. So she could have a rest for a few seconds.

"It is odd to say yet when one sees it, it becomes clear. You and Will make a cute couple, Karen. You do belong to each other. It is so obvious in the end..."


	29. Those Sweet Words

**Chapter twenty-nine – Those Sweet Words**

**I just have to hear **

**Your sweet words**

**Spoken like a melody**

**I just wanna hear**

**Those sweet words**

**Those Sweet Words – Norah Jones**

The wind made her hair float around her face and instinctively she put a hand on top of her head only to prevent her bonnet from flying away. It was snowing. The sky was gray and the waves were crashing loudly on the deserted beach. The smell of the ocean went to her head bewitchingly and she could not help laughing loud as if succumbing to the vapors of iodine.

Red, cold cheeks and his warm hand on hers; his arms around her waist as he lifted her up to make her twirl around in some sort of a silent, awkward waltz.

As usual, they had headed to the hotel but instead of taking back the train to Manhattan, they had got in the one that led to Coney Island. For no particular reason. The place was lifeless in the winter, if not a tad gloomy. But they had wanted to see the ocean, the beach.

"Wait, come over there."

His arm slid along her waist until his fingers got intertwined with hers and she sagely followed him to the end of the beach. Of course she hadn't forgotten about the Christmas party and what Jack had told her. On the contrary, his words had haunted her mind but the thing was, as soon as she had seen Will, it all had gone away again. As if nothing had happened. As if nothing hurt in the end.

"Where are you going? It is cold, Will. I don't want the waves..."

Yet one more time she followed him as he climbed on top of a rock. Her high heels were sliding on the wet surface but he was holding her tight. He sat there, only a few feet above the crashing waves. Taken aback, Karen settled between his legs and huddled against him to escape from the wind. It was the first time they did something like that. Just going out of the hotel room and stay long in each other's arms. It was pleasing. Too much, obviously.

"Now let's take pictures... Of you and me."

He took out of a bag a brand-new Polaroid and placed it just in front of them, at the distance of his arm. It made her laugh, reminding her of a time she should have had but that a few external events had just swept away a bit too early. The lightness of a fling. Even as a teenager she hadn't known what it meant.

"Alright."

Leaning her head against his, Karen smiled brightly at the cam then blushed as she felt his lips on her temple. A light kiss and the picture was taken. She grabbed it, shook it a little then waited impatiently for the result. The colors were faded and gave an old shade to their portrait. Yet it was a sweet one, if not just too sweet.

"Let's take another one. I don't see why you should have one and not me."

She let him put the picture in his bag before settling back for a new one. This time, his kiss landed on her neck and she burst out laughing just when he pressed the button. She liked the result. It didn't look like her that much. Or better said, it looked like the person she had always wanted to be but could not reach for whatever reason. With a lot of care, she silently slid the picture among the pages of a book she had in her bag then stood up and turned around to face him.

"Let's go back to Manhattan. I have to run a few errands. Some last-minute Christmas shopping and I am not sure that I will have time for it tomorrow."

"You don't want to stay with me?"

She let him pass his arms around her waist before pulling her closer to his body. There was nobody out there anyway. Not a single chance that an acquaintance walked in on them.

_Yet Jack has..._

She swept away the thought, one more time, and tightened her grip on her Chanel bag instead. It had to be over now. She knew it.

"Don't you have anyone else to see?"

Why was she alluding to Michael? Why did she try to hurt herself in the first place like that? Perhaps it eased if only a little the guilt she was feeling more and more. Day after day. Her own way to punish herself in the end.

"I said to Grace that we would go to the movies in the evening so I am not in a hurry."

"Where is Michael?"

And she insisted, as if it didn't hurt enough like that in the first place. She had to be losing her mind or was just hoping for some heroic, unexpected scene that only happened in movies. Will would tell her it was over with Michael and...

_And what?_

Nothing except that he would be hers, entirely hers. And her jealousy would cease for a while, until the next one who might happen to be Will's right one.

"Michael is at his parents' place in Colorado. Like every year..."

She didn't hold his hand this time to go back down on the beach. Carefully enough, she did it all alone, by herself. And didn't wait for him to walk back to the pier. It was over, for the moment. Of course as soon as they would find themselves on the platform, she would lean over to capture his lips in a kiss and turn the page for the thousandth time over her quiet disillusions.


	30. Sunrise

**Chapter thirty – Sunrise**

**Surprise, surprise**

**Couldn't find it in your eyes**

**But I'm sure it's written all over my face**

**Surprise, surprise**

**Never something I could hide**

**When I see we made it through another day**

**Sunrise – Norah Jones**

"You look genuinely happy."

The remark made her freeze, probably because it owned that ounce of bitterness she didn't know how to deal with when it came to others. It hadn't been a reproach but nonetheless a comment full of an odd surprise. As if it were rare and deserved to be mentioned for once. Because most of the times, she was sad, drowned by life. But not now.

"I guess I am."

She didn't feel lighter. The world didn't seem clearer. Yet a warm sensation had wrapped up her heart in the first hours of the morning when she had got his message. She had preferred not to wonder about it, why he had come up with it at that exact moment and not when they were together. Instead, she had let it go and embraced it fully as if tomorrow was a blurry conception no one could hang to.

_I love you..._

What if he had drunk? What if he had gone into a fight with Michael and sent her that message without really thinking it? But more as a vengeance, a secretive one. What if it had barely anything to do with reality? With stubbornness, she insisted to not think about it and accept his words as they came. It was all she wanted to hear if she had to be honest. She hadn't replied to him, though. Not yet.

"Then I am going to assume that your Christmas with Stanley went very well."

They had invited a dozen of people, mostly to escape from the idea of an awkward face-to-face. After all, it hadn't changed that much from most of the other Christmas she had lived. The family gathering had never been part of her existence. So at times it was good to fill a room with acquaintances.

A beautician stopped by the private room to check that everything went alright. The soft music playing in the background was relaxing and the green tea warm to compensate the cold day outside. A couple of hours at Elizabeth Arden had seemed like a comforting idea once Stanley had left for California so she had called Grace. Mainly because Will wasn't in town.

"I suppose so..."

"Yet you are cheating on him."

A bit troubled, Karen looked at her friend but didn't say a word. She hated that expression. It was a hard one, abrupt and bare. Besides, it had nothing to do with what happened between Will and her. It wasn't a mere affair. It wasn't a matter of sexual encounters. Or he would have never sent her that message.

"I am not judging you. Don't mistake my words, Karen. I just... I don't know. How can you sleep with someone else than the man you accepted vows from? Isn't it odd?"

"I am not cheating on Stanley."

How come Grace didn't even want to know her lover's name in the first place? She was always curious. She couldn't know about it, could she? Like Jack. He hadn't made a single allusion to it since the party. It was strange when he used to insist so much on a few things. He seemed to have taken it differently; to another degree. With so much easiness that it made Karen green with envy. If only it could be that simple!

"But you said... You did... You aren't the same anymore, Karen. It has been a few months, now. I should have paid more attention to it because I don't know when it exactly started. And you may come up with any remark, any excuse or argument... I know that I am right. You have met someone. Or you wouldn't have changed like that."

"You are mistaking your dreams for reality, honey."

A beautician came in and the conversation stopped. Abruptly. Yet Karen welcomed it with a high relief. She didn't like the way it was turning when it was just supposed to be a nice afternoon with Grace. She would go back home then and remain alone, drinking away some blurry thoughts. Smoking too. It had been a while since her miscarriage and things had gone back to normal. Her own normality.

_I love you..._

Why had he sent a text message instead of telling her, just like that. On the train platform or at the hotel in Brooklyn. It made everything look even more confusing yet sweet and delicate. And what would she say when she happened to see him again? Those three words changed it all. Irremediably.

"Well, I have to go... See you tomorrow, okay?"

She needed to leave the spa. Something was weighing on her chest and she didn't like it. With a barely contained awkwardness, Karen grabbed her bag and excused herself. Anyway the session was almost over; only ten minutes left. She paid before heading outside in the snow. The cold wrapping up as soon as she began to walk up Fifth Avenue. There was no point in hailing a cab. At least in the street, she got her dose of life. When everything would turn blank at the mansion.

"Oh... I guess your friend forgot her book."

A bit taken aback by the beautician's remark, Grace nonetheless looked up then grabbed the old novel. _The Portrait of Dorian Gray_, a very old edition. She knew that Karen was an avid reader but she hadn't assumed that she was the kind of person who brought a book along with her like that, during the day.

"Thank you, I will give it back to her."

She was about to put it on the counter in front of her when a picture slid off the pages. It was a format she hadn't seen in a long time, a Polaroid one. Curious, she grabbed it and observed it.

"What a charming couple they make!"

The beautician's remark got lost in Grace's confusion. Because they were not a couple. They couldn't. Karen was married, to Stanley. When Will was gay. When Will... Yet there they were, in each other's arms. Will planting a kiss on Karen's neck who was bursting out laughing. For whatever reason.


	31. Don't Miss You At All

**Chapter Thirty-one – Don't Miss You At All**

**And then I wonder who I am**

**Without the warm touch of your hand**

**As I sit and watch the snow**

**Fallin' down**

**I don't miss you at all**

**Don't Miss You At All – Norah Jones**

The plane had landed two hours earlier. Probably. She hadn't got any news, hadn't got any message. He hadn't said that he would send her one either but still, she had hoped. Ridiculously enough.

Growing tired of the kitchen, Karen made it to the main living-room. The fireplace was on, the flames finding an echo in the Christmas tree tinsels. But there was nobody around and it made it bare, bitter. It was tough.

She let herself fall in one of the armchairs. Bored. She was bored and felt empty which only led her to think about Will. And eventually Grace, how they were now in Colorado at Michael's parents' place. It made her sick and it hurt deep inside. One more time she had been left behind for someone else, with a nonetheless cruel difference: she didn't want to lose Will. She couldn't let Michael steal him from her. It was just impossible. It wouldn't happen.

She would spend New Year's Eve alone in New York as Jack had left on a cruise with a fling. She had received several invitations but hadn't RSVP. It was very cliched but life sounded dull without Will. It didn't make that much of sense. Because he loved her. After the text message, he had said it over and over the last time they had made love. As if all of a sudden, he couldn't stop the words from coming out anymore. She loved their sound; delicate to the ear, singular and warm. Yet she had been unable to say them back. Did she lack courage?

Her cell phone rang. She rushed on it and opened the message, her heart racing against her chest. Why had he taken his time that much? Had he just made love with Michael? If so, how could he think about her just after? The mere thought tightened her heart and she swallowed hard.

_Lots of snow, beautiful here_

_We miss you!_

_Grace_

Disappointment hit her hard and she remained bare, unable to move, for long seconds. Rereading the message as if the name might end up changing. But no, it came from Grace. Not Will.

She had spent a lot of time with Grace, lately. Since their afternoon at Elizabeth Arden, as a matter of fact. It was nice to see that her friend seemed to feel like getting closer, because it had never happened to her in the past, but at times it left Karen overwhelmed. And confused. Why so suddenly? Obviously, she was thinking too much and should be enjoying the moment instead of analyzing it. These were the conclusions she had come up with, forcefully.

_Snowing in New York_

_Have a great time_

_K._

Vodka. She needed Vodka. And a cigarette if not a dozen of pills to gulp down so the world plunged in a sort of haze. Then she would wake up in another year and everything would be different. A new start that would mean it all. She would turn the page and... And what? Frustrated by reality catching back on her, She stood up and walked to the large windows to observe the snow falling over Central Park.

It was a gray day, almost gloomy. She had awoken being cold and hadn't managed to warm up in spite of the woolen cardigan she was wearing and the teas she had drunk.

_That's because you are dying for his arms..._

The word 'bullshit' almost brushed her lips but she swallowed it back as Vodka burnt her throat. Getting drunk wasn't the same anymore, though. Something had changed when she had got pregnant. A lot of things, actually. If she had to be honest with herself. Too many things. The more she thought about it, the more obvious it became that she would have kept the baby. Not telling Will, letting Stanley think it was his. Because at least she would have got a memory from something that seemed at times too fragile to ever last.

Then suddenly, she remembered about the book. _The Portrait of Dorian Gray. _She constantly kept it in her bag but hadn't started reading it yet. Perhaps such a gloomy day was the right time for that. Quickly enough, she made it to her bedroom where she had left her bag. She opened it but after a few seconds, it clearly appeared that the novel wasn't in it. Confused, Karen literally made everything fall down on the floor. All the items her bag contained. But nothing.

Her heart began to beat faster at the thought she might have lost it. It couldn't happen. Because of all it meant. Will had kissed her that day. It was when everything had started. She needed it. She did. Frankly panicked, she looked around and swallowed hard. Then it hit her. The picture, the Polaroid picture. She had slid it between the pages.

_No, no, no, no, no..._

But after an hour of desperate research, Karen had to accept the facts. The book was gone, along with the picture. Along with Will, somehow. And nothing was left anymore. Not even the child she could had carried on once.


	32. Be Here To Love Me II

**Chapter thirty-two – Be Here To Love Me**

**Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine**

**Though you and I both know it's only the warm glow of wine**

**That's got you to feeling this way, but I don't care,**

**I want you to stay,**

**And hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today**

**Be Here to Love Me – Norah Jones**

The words had come out by themselves as he had closed the door of the hotel room behind them. She hadn't planned to say them. As a matter of fact, she hadn't planned the slightest thing and that since the very beginning of their story. From cheating on Stanley to confessing her feelings to Will, she had not come up with a plan. No mattered she was a control freak. That time around, the situation wasn't in her hands. It had never been. The abandon she had to accept wasn't easy but for some reason she could not explain, she nonetheless loved it.

_I love you._

Three words. Only three in the thousand others that the English vocabulary owned and yet they could determine many things. A whole life, perhaps, if she lost herself in romantic considerations. Smiling at her, he had seemed relieved and nothing special had been settled down but their usual incapacity to go any further into that kind of conversation.

He had come back from Colorado the day before. It had taken all her strength to not go to the airport as the flight had landed. Grace wouldn't have understood. Will either, maybe. After all, they had not called each other but for New Year's Eve. It had been awkward on the phone.

She wasn't made for long-distance relationships.

"I don't understand. Usually, he is always on time."

As if to accompany her words, Grace looked around and sighed loudly. Arms crossed on her chest. She was right. It was very rare for Will to be late, even more for a concert at Carnegie Hall. Schedules and deadlines weren't an issue for him, on the contrary. At times it seemed to give him the directions he did need.

Casting a glance at the doors, Karen shrugged but didn't say a word. What he did outside of their hotel room remained mostly a secret she didn't know about. Except his evenings with Michael. But that time she knew that it was safe. Michael wouldn't be there.

"He doesn't take his calls... Great."

Grace snapped shut her cell phone and put it back in her purse. She was nervous, for whatever reason yet it didn't have to do with Will. Karen could sense it. Perhaps her so-called boyfriend... Against all expectations, they were still together. For how long, though?

_Why, you can talk._

And all of a sudden, he finally appeared. Except he wasn't alone. As she saw him with Michael, Karen swallowed hard and frowned. He wasn't supposed to be there. It wasn't his time. He couldn't arrive like that and messed up everything. He wasn't part of their little sphere and would never be.

"Sorry we caught stuck in traffic and my batteries had died... But hey, Michael had a ticket for tonight as well. Isn't that crazy? Of course not as crazy as Karen standing here without a glass in hand."

She shouldn't have given importance to his remark towards her. After all, it was how they used to act around each other when in public. It even sounded perfect. But for some reason, the words burnt down in her heart and she froze. There. Among the crowd.

"And you couldn't call me from Michael's cell phone? I was getting worried, you idiot! Good evening, Michael, though... How are you?"

Still blank and completely numbed, Karen looked at Grace hug Michael then keep on reproaching a thousand things to Will. Actually, nobody was looking at her. She had been put aside naturally by the other four, Jack included.

It is only when Michael looked up at her and froze that she realized she was crying. Silently. The tears were running down her cheeks before embracing her neck bitterly, like Will's kisses.

"What..."

Michael's worried face made the whole group turn around and confused, they stared at her for what had to be long seconds. But nobody moved. Nobody spoke. It must have been a strange moment to witness from an external point of view. Three people staring in disbelief at a lonely woman lost in a crowd.

"What is happening, Karen?"

Grace finally turned out to be the one who found back her voice. Yet she didn't seem to care. The tone she had used seemed to have only restrain a laugh. Because nothing made sense at the end. Keeping her eyes on Will, Karen shook her head. The words she had told him in the morning were rushing back to her head. Their warmth was now burning under what looked like another betrayal from him.

"I meant them..."

Her comment probably took everyone aback but Will. He couldn't ignore that she was alluding to what she had said to him in the morning. At the hotel. It was something she didn't say easily and it had taken her a lot of courage to overcome all the rest and accept to put a sound on her sentiments.

Blinded by her tears and the dizzy sensation brought up by the unexpected situation, Karen made a few steps. Suddenly, awkwardly. Towards Will. He didn't move, didn't dare probably. And then she did. As if she had nothing to lose anymore because every single element she had believed in had crashed down a long time ago yet.

Passing her hand around his neck, she captured Will's lips in a kiss. There, in front of everyone. In public.


	33. You've Ruined Me

**Chapter twenty-three – You've Ruined Me**

**You've ruined me and how**

**I thought I liked it but I'm ruined**

**My whole world's now**

**Turned upside down**

**You've Ruined Me – Norah Jones**

As she opened the little box, the gem caught the light of the chandelier. Just like in the movies, as if to emphasize the purity of the stone. If it was supposed to bring some magic to the moment, it failed and rather cruelly but she nonetheless smiled at Stanley before nodding in quiet thanks. The earrings were beautiful and they would suit her very well. It was a perfect birthday present.

"I don't want you to move out. I don't want you to get a divorce. You can see whoever you want, spend the night in anyone's arms but I still want you to remain my wife."

He would have chosen to insult her, it would have been the same. How could he dare to talk about such things in the middle of a crowded restaurant? It made her blush and instantly, Karen looked down at her plate. It was empty, like pretty much the rest of her existence when she thought about it.

"I know that you are seeing Will. I don't mind. He is a nice person. But I nonetheless need you by my side. Let's call that a compromise."

It was shocking. Not because of their marital status but the moment he was choosing to offer her such a deal. They were supposed to celebrate her birthday. Certainly not define new rules over their marriage. There was a time for everything in life and Stanley had gone for the wrong one.

"It is over, now."

Stanley looked less surprised by her confession than herself. Taken aback and embarrassed, Karen had a look towards the end of the room, hoping for nothing in particular but the discomfort to go away. She shouldn't have said that. What kind of woman revealed to her husband that she had been unfaithful? It didn't make sense all of a sudden.

"Then fine... Perfect. Though now you know what to expect from me if you ever meet someone else."

Stanley had never been an exclusive or jealous person. At the beginning of their relationship, it had hurt her somehow. As if he couldn't care less about her and what she thought, what she felt. Then, little by little, she had simply accepted it as a temper feature. An odd one but why not, after all. At least she did not have to go through fits of envy from him.

Actually, nothing was really over with Will. Or at least none of them had said it out loud. She had kissed him in front of everyone at Carnegie Hall then rushed away. Nobody had tried to reach her since that evening, not even Jack who nonetheless knew about it. The truth was that she was scared of their reactions, even more Grace's. Pretending to ignore what had happened seemed easier if only temporarily.

She had ruined everything for absolutely no reason. Will had hurt her, one more time, and she had just overreacted instead of remaining silent like in the past. Perhaps deep inside, she had had the feeling it was time to put an end to everything. And loudly. No mattered it would ruin Will, her... No mattered it brought devastating consequences all around. She had been selfish at the end.

"Do you have someone? Do you see someone?"

The evening had lost its entire logic so why not just adopting that odd way now, anyway? Since it did not make sense that much, she could push even further. Just to see. Except that she wasn't Stanley and knew what envy was, how it could hurt.

"I don't have time for that. Not now."

Which didn't mean it wouldn't happen nor that it had already happened. It wasn't an idea he denied and all of a sudden, Karen realized that she didn't know that well the man she had married in the first place. Of all days, it had to take place for her birthday. The tears welled up in her eyes but she swallowed hard before drowning them in her glass of Champagne.

_Wrong place. Wrong moment. Wrong person. Wrong life._

"What are you thinking about?"

His smile looked disgusting. Yet what could she say? She had cheated on him yet she was the one who did mind at the end. It had no logic. He should have felt offended but no, instead he looked at her as if everything was fine. As if it were okay, and normal to be like that.

"I am not sure. I... I guess I have a headache. Too much Champagne!"

She burst out laughing and it sounded true, sincere. Just another lie to pretend that everything was fine when she might have actually wanted to die. It would be so easy; a few pills, a bottle of vodka. And the world would turn numbed for the eternity.

"You want to go back home? It is still early, though."

She shook her head right away. At least among the crowd, her dark thoughts would vanish before they got to stick to her mind too heavily. She had gone through depression at times in the past, had to take some drugs that had numbed her even more. Yet she had never tried to put an end to her life. She didn't have the courage it took.

"No... I am fine, here. With you. And, I don't know... Let's have some dessert, shall we?"

_That's it. Let's just turn the page._

_Let's just forget about it._


	34. Back to Manhattan

**Chapter thirty-four – Back to Manhattan**

**We won't have to speak at all**

**I won't look in your eyes**

**And I won't have to fall**

**We don't have to speak at all**

**Back to Manhattan – Norah Jones**

_And if you fall down twice then always stand back on your feet a third time..._

Which basically meant, in her case, going back to Will for what would turn out to be another fail. Did the story really have to repeat itself over and over? The worst of all was that she wasn't even tired of it and as soon as he landed his eyes on hers, she forgot everything. And they were back to the beginning, rather irremediably. She would die for a caress, a kiss abandoned in the depth of her neck. And a smile lost against her own lips. He was hurting her in the most beautiful way. She had fallen for him little by little until she had reached the point of no-return where it ached even to be with him.

"What does Grace say?"

She knew that she shouldn't have accepted to see him that afternoon in Brooklyn. Ever, as a matter of fact. But then she had looked around at the bare mansion and she had chosen the pain over boredom. A delicate decision or just accepting the fact that anyway, she would always lose the battle.

Going away from his arms, Karen leaned up on her elbow then plunged her hazel eyes in his gaze. He looked peaceful and satisfied. She envied him to a point he couldn't understand.

"We never talked about it."

From all the replies he could have come up with, she hadn't expected that one at all. Frowning, Karen cleared her voice and restrained a nervous laugh. It didn't make sense at all. Grace should have at least thrown a fit, as usual when something got broken in that tiny little sphere she shared with Will. A little bubble that nobody could invade. Ever.

"You mean that the two of you pretend that nothing happened? You lie and pretend that you turned the page when you didn't? A bit like..."

A bit like her and Stanley except that she preferred not to say it out loud. What for, anyway? Surprised by Will's answer, she turned around and looked by the window. The sky was blue. It hadn't happened for a long time. Yet she had lost any notion of chronology after her birthday. When Jack had stopped by to tell her that Will was missing her, even though he didn't recognize it properly. Yet Michael had never showed up again after the evening at Carnegie Hall.

"I don't know... But she wants to see you. The other day, she said that she had to call you, to give you back something. And more. Anyway, I haven't seen her a lot lately. She spends a lot of time with some new guy she has just met. Don't ask me what happened to the previous one. We don't talk that much at the end."

She didn't miss the regretful tone Will used and immediately, Karen felt guilty. She had damaged their odd friendship and it wouldn't be the same anymore. Why had she done that in the first place? Another act of selfishness from her part.

"By the way, are you available on Monday evening? We still haven't celebrated your birthday."

She froze. Was he kidding? She had probably made everything explode in a thousand pieces when she had rushed to his lips in front of everyone before disappearing, mortified, in the night and now he was talking to her about schedules just like the previous year.

"Are you playing a trick on me?"

As if her sudden proximity with Will was too much to handle, she got up and went for her bag to grab a cigarette in there. She was naked but couldn't care less. After all, it wasn't the first time that he saw her without the slightest piece of clothing on.

They must have come up with a plan and once she would fall down in it, they would laugh at her just as others had done in the past. A long time ago. But no mattered the years, it still burned inside. She put on the large cashmere sweater she had brought along. It almost made it to her knees. She felt lost in it but safe as well and right now, it was all she needed.

"What? I am just asking you if you are available within four days. There isn't a single intention but the obvious one in my question."

She turned around and observed Will for long seconds. He seemed to be sincere if not worried and hurt because of her question. Then it hit her, suddenly. Harshly. It would always be like that. She would go back to him and they would pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing had broken down. But not just the two of them, Grace and Jack as well. Because anyway, it belonged to Brooklyn; to a very small hotel room. When back to Manhattan, they had to obey different rules.

Except that it was not what she wanted from her life. No. Against all expectations, she was hoping for a more traditional scheme and the possibility to hold Will's hand at any moment, everywhere. And wake up by his side in the morning. Like a normal couple. Yes, that was it. She wanted to be his.

"So, are you available next Monday?"

Will got up and walked to her slowly. He passed his arms around her waist before planting a kiss on her neck. With care.

This was not what she wanted at all. The hotel room, the lies, the hide-and-seek game they played way too often. She wouldn't be able to handle it any longer.

"Of course, I am, honey."


	35. Even Though

**Chapter thirty-five – Even Though**

**He makes me think that I don't know me**

**So unsure when I remember the things he showed me**

**And I want more, I'm feeling lonely**

**Oh, I'm feeling lonely**

**Even Though – Norah Jones**

The book slid on the table. Silently. Almost too easily. Uncomfortable, Karen preferred to keep her eyes on the cover of the novel and avoid then Grace's own gaze. Not that she felt ashamed but still. It was an odd situation to face and she didn't know how to deal with it properly.

"I guess this is yours. You forgot it at Elizabeth Arden, a few weeks ago."

So it was where she had lost it. Trying to win time, Karen lost herself in considerations and what ifs. It had probably fallen out of her bag as she had left, rather in a hurry, that day. Yet why had her friend not come to her earlier? Why had she remained quiet over it? Had she taken her time to prepare a revenge of some sort or she had been too shocked to think about something?

"Everything is in it."

The way Grace insisted on the 'everything' made her blush and instinctively, she looked down at her lap as if her friend were actually married to Will; as if she were the one breaking down a couple's marriage and not the exact opposite.

"Thank you..."

Carefully enough, Karen grabbed the book and put it back in her bag without daring to open it and see the Polaroid shot inside. It would have been humiliating, in spite of everything.

She had arrived earlier to the restaurant, too anxious of her confrontation with Grace to spend a single second more at her penthouse. Little had she guessed that her friend had succumbed to the same plan and there they were, now. Alone at the table, waiting for Will and Jack to arrive.

"You can look at me, you know. I am not going to slap you or throw a fit. Will and I talked and came to conclusions. Compromises. And everything is going to be fine, now."

Reluctantly, Karen looked up. It was embarrassing yet if there was someone to blame then it had to be her and nobody else. Grace hadn't asked for it. She was trying to accept the situation in her own way, it was tough but she went through it.

_For Will..._

The thought hit Karen and she couldn't help smiling timidly. She wished she had known such a strong friendship as Will and Grace did. It had never happened to her. Eventually, her relation ended up being related to sex and nothing else. She wasn't one woman to befriend with. Just a mere one-night stand, a distraction for a few hours only.

"Actually, I do care for Stanley. Not for Will... Stan is your husband. He is the one you cheat on but... It is none of my business and perhaps I don't know the whole story. So I want you to know that I am not judging you, Karen. Not on this. Yet I don't need to get any detail of what happens when you are out in Brooklyn together. We are in Manhattan, now. Different scheme, different perspective..."

Grace smiled brightly. She didn't seem hurt as if she had had time to ponder things and accept them. It was an unusual face-to-face, a disturbing one. But as Karen opened her mouth to reply, Jack and Will arrived. Conversation over. A bit abruptly but perhaps it was better like that.

"Sorry, the traffic was horrible and Jack over here just couldn't put an end to this phone conversation he was having with a cute guy that works at Barney's. You know, the tie section? Anyway, we are here!"

In an effusion of excuses, Will went to sit down by Grace's side. As if nothing had happened. Easily. A lie. It was all a lie but unable to say a single thing, Karen remained stunned on her own seat. Jack's kiss on her cheek made her jump of surprise. She smiled at him absentmindedly and grabbed the menu.

"Oh please... You are just jealous because I am the one who might have a date with the hottest Barney's specimen next weekend. And that, my dear, is something that you will never experience. No offense to you, Karen."

To the call of her name, she looked up from the menu and stared in disbelief at Jack. The remark made her blush violently. What was happening? Her affair with Will had to remain untold and yet they could allude to it as if it were the most normal thing in the world? She swallowed hard and decided to focus on her heartbeats. They were slow, regular. Too slow?

"By the way, happy birthday, Karen. How old are you, now? Six-hundred and sixty-six?"

Under other circumstances, she would have played along except that time, it didn't sound right. Not the slightest bit. Slowly and weighing the words she needed to use, Karen studied her friends at the table. It was a cruel moment. But... Her eyes stopped on Grace and she shook her head.

"I am sorry yet I can't do that. I... No, I just can't. I don't want to pretend that nothing is happening and I just see Will afterward. This is not what I want. This is not how I feel. I don't want a secret affair and the gloomy shades of some impersonal hotel in Brooklyn. I want to be with him. I want to be able to... You know, everything. Anything. Just like a normal couple. Because I love him... I love you, Will."

This time she had focused on him, and plunged her eyes in his brown ones. Game over. She needed him by her side.


	36. It's Gonna Be

**Chapter thirty-six – It's Gonna Be**

**But it's gonna be, it's gonna be**

**Please make it be, it's gonna be**

**It's Gonna Be – Norah Jones**

Perfect. Actually, it seemed perfect between the lamp and the empty glass of water left there. The right place. Exactly. As if it had always belonged there but she had only found the combination a few hours earlier and now she could smile, relieved. She passed her fingers over the book cover absentmindedly before getting up and leaving the bedroom. _The Portrait of Dorian Gray _was now safely put down on the nightstand and it settled all the rest if only on a symbolical level.

The apartment was small but she had loved it as soon as she had stepped in it for the first time. A couple of years ago, now. It was a cozy place and had contrasted so much with her mansion that from then on, it had become the home she had secretly lusted for. And now it was hers. Or so.

Quietly enough, she made it to the living-room and sat down by his side on the sofa. He was reading a book, some historical novel they had talked about a few weeks before in Brooklyn. Perhaps she should have taken one of her books as well then settled next to him and read. The truth was that it hadn't really crossed her mind. Mainly because she had never really shared such a moment with anyone before. Odd to say but it was all new to her. And she needed a time of adaptation.

But before she had time to say anything, Will looked up at her and smiled brightly. Opening his arms so she stayed there; which she did. Her laugh came to die in the depth of his neck as she planted a kiss on the thin skin there.

"It is quiet, here."

She thought about The Upper East Side mansion and all the things she had left behind as she had left in the morning. Forever. The word bounced in her head and she repeated it quietly. Constantly. Soon, she will have to file the divorce papers then everything would start again. A new life? She didn't like such an expression. She actually saw it as a sequel to a thousand things and it was all connected.

"And do you like it?"

For a long time, she had despised silence. Because it had seemed oppressive and only sent back an odd sentiment of failure that she didn't know how to deal with. But in Will's arms, there was something else that she couldn't explain. A sensation of safety, perhaps. And it was okay. Everything was fine.

"I love you."

It wasn't a lie. Yet she didn't say it very often. It might have been her very own way to keep alive such a preciousness because it didn't have to belong to a daily, random vocabulary. It was a rare, delicate thing and when she said it, she meant it.

"This isn't an answer!"

She liked the way he used to kiss the top of her head, the way his arms went protectively to tighten on her waist. She leaned up on her hand and plunged her eyes in his. Right now, she liked every single thing about him; as ridiculous and shallow as it sounded.

She cupped his face with her hand and let her thumb caress his jaw. Was he hers, now? She couldn't tell that much because her life had plunged into some sort of haze. One day she would wake up and face all what the decisions she had just taken meant. But it was too soon, for the moment. Way too soon.

"I do..."

Slowly, she bent over and captured his lips. It was strange to kiss him there, in the middle of a living-room. Brooklyn looked so far, all of a sudden. As if it belonged to the past, now.

"So is it how it is going to be now? The two of you kissing all the time..."

Grace's voice in the background made them break apart and take a reasonable distance, instinctively. It made Grace laugh quietly unless she was simply hiding her slight embarrassment. Since their evening at the Chinese restaurant and Karen getting things clear over her intentions, nobody had yelled but they had spoken. Over and over. Long hours of an endless, complicated conversation. Grace would probably need time but at least was she trying. In spite of the oddness of the situation.

"I am not going to kill you either... You can, you know... Go on. But please, remember that you have a room, okay?"

Grace went for a bottle of water in the fridge then sat down on the leather armchair. Karen knew that it was for Will. All these silent efforts she made, second by second, it was for her friend yet perhaps one day it would also be for her. Hopefully. Yet Karen was glad that she didn't nourish any anger against her either.

"So now that Karen has officially moved in with us... With you... Don't you think that it is time for me to know the whole story? I am all ears."

Could she actually be happy for them? For a few seconds, Karen thought about it but didn't manage to come to any conclusion whatsoever. Things were blurry, too blurry for the moment.

"Yes, Gracie is right. We want to know all the details!"

Jack suddenly came back in from the terrace after some sort of a private phone call with the Barney's salesperson he was dating. With his usual lightness, he sat by Karen's side and looked straight at them. Waiting eagerly for everything.

Against all expectations and in spite of the heat rushing up her cheeks, Karen gave in.

"The fall... It started in the fall."

Just like in her dreams. Her favorite season, for its melancholy; the shades of the day sliding along the sidewalks and the brown trees. But it was only the beginning. Hopefully. As his hand pressed hers, she looked up at Will and bit her lower lip.

Yes, it was only the beginning.


End file.
